Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Councillor Banish Barracuda recently gave an update to members of the Town Unimprovements Committee on the progress made by the Funding Taskforce to Inject Life into the Economy (FuTILE).
Cllr Barracuda whispered “Errrrm. The recent errrm FuTILE meeting was attended errrrm by myself and the errrrm Smalltown and Dullbridge Smalltown Administration Deputy (SADSAD), which errrm obviously meant that (Previously) Smalltown’s errrm Most Popular Person (Dullbridge errrm Public Enemy No.1) Cllr errrm McCads was unable to errrm attend, because of the errrm restraining order the SADSAD has against errrm him.
A few local errrm residents, a Smalltown Business Tycoon errrrm and a member of the errrm Smalltown Chamber of Trade (SCOT) were errrm also present. Squire Teflon and errrm the leaders of the errrm Smalltown Shops (SS) group – his errrm close-friend and employer Mistress errrrm Bones and Lady Brassy of errrrm Easton-under-Water were notable by their errrrm absence.
Errrm some but not all the errrm attendees had experience of the errrrm many, many previous errrm regeneration errrm projects which failed to get off the errrm ground.
The errrrm class was led by an errrrm expert in something or errrm other, Terence Conran, who errrrm spent some errrm time explaining the errrrm obvious to errrrm us.
Me errrrm Conran made a errrrm compelling errrrm case that because of errrm trends such as the rise of errrm internet shopping, out of town errrm retail
outlets and errrm changes in demand errrm patterns, the traditional errrrm High Street dominated by errrm national retail brands was errrrm unlikely to be the errrm model of the future. Something which errrm I hadn’t errrrm considered.
The errrrm group did note some errrm specific strengths that Smalltown errrrm has, including a errrrm variety of independent errrrm shops, outlets, its errrm position on the errrm coast which means it’s errrrm a seaside town with errrm interesting errrm tourist amenities on either side although none in errrm Smalltown, and the events errrrm organised in the town to errrrm encourage visitors to errrrm visit
Errrm the group started to share some errrm ideas for how the errrm future town centre might errrm prosper. I left errrm the idea of errrm ideas to the errrm rest if the errrm group, because ideas are not errrrm my strongpoint. I errrrm prefer to sit errrrm quietly and errrrm think.
The group errrrm agreed that in the errrrm future Main Street will be errrrm a variety of businesses,covering errem retail, services, offices and errrrm social spaces. Much like errrrm it is errrrm currently. In order to errrrm see more errrrm visitors we need to errrrm offer more things to errrrm attract them to the errrrm town and this could include errrrm maximising the errrrm attractions of the errrrm sea front, as well as errrrm coming up with ideas for errrrm new events.
Errrm obviously these were very errrm early and errrrm rough thoughts, and those present were semiconscious that we need to invite more errrm people to errrrm contribute errrm ideas.
Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) errrm Town Council’s recent request for people to errrm jot down their ideas on a errrm postcard and send them errrrm into the Hayloft errrrm Road Palace Retirement Home for Bemused and errrrm Bewildered BeFuddled Party errrrm ex-Teachers (and Others) didn’t errrm yield an awful lot of errrrm responses, so it was errrrm agreed that we errrrm need to think about errrm some ways to errrrm encourage people to errrrm get involved.
After errrm a bit more errrrm thinking we then errrm decided that the errrrm next step will be the creation of a errrrm 12 member Town Bored. This would be errrrm made up of errrrm local people who will errrrm contribute local errrrm ideas to a errrrm local plan.
Whilst I errrm understand that this will errrm feel like a repeat of the errrrm many, many, many errrrm previous initiatives that have come and errrm gone over the Yr eats with errrrm no real change or errrrm benefits, I believe that we errrm must keep trying to enable change in this way. It is errrm not the errrm achievements that errrm matters here, it is the errrrm trying. Everyone errrrm loves a errrrm trier.”
It was confirmed that the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council would be covering the costs of the officers who will be helping set up and run the Town Bored, using money provided by central government, and that once all salaries are paid there will be nothing in the pot left to fund any improvements. Not even a pot to pee in.