Just when you thought it was safe

Squire Teflon celebrated the success of his latest ploy to make the BeFuddled-controlled Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council look stupid by imbibing several large glasses of Albanian Whiskey last night.

He then hurled more abuse at the BeFuddleds, as well as the entire electorate of Smalltown and Dullbridge, and saved a special jibe for Former-Councillor Ellen Proves, now Leader of the Dullbridge Liberation Front.

Having successfully tricked the BeFuddleds into paying way over the odds for two Christmas Trees for Smalltown and Dullbridge, by claiming that the traders at the bottom end of Main Street really needed a tree and the one outside The George Public House wouldn’t suffice. Teflon had asked his close-friend and employer Mistress Bones to get the co-Leader of the Smalltown Shops (SS) group, Lady Brassy of Easton-under-Water, to send a letter detailing how very, very, very, very sad, sad, sad, sad it would be if no one visited Mistress Bones Newspaper and Tat Emporium over the festive season to purchase plastic tat because there was no tree to entice them into Jetty Street, Teflon wasted no time in gloating.

“Remind me again. How much did MY Town Council spend on Christmas Trees when I was in charge?”

“Those BeFuddleds though – have you ever seen such a bunch of wet lettuces? Only the men though. The women are great. They hate Smalltown’s Most Popular Person Cllr Jock McCads almost as much as I do. Yes. I like Dictator Dullard, Deputy Dictator Sherry and Fun Police Office Knickers. I could work with them. They make decisions on their own without asking the other councillors for their opinion. Very much the way I always liked to do things.”

“Town Unimprovements? You’ve got that right. They haven’t done anything to improve the town. No Intergalactic Food, Drink and Craft Fair on the Seafront, because I told them Mistress Bones wouldn’t like it. No World Record Breaking Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink. No Arch. No Gold Pavements. No Play Park. No Trees in Wheelie Bins. No Nuffin.”

“That Ellen Proves, though. I wish she’d get on and liberate Dullbridge. If there was a separate Dullbridge Town Council then all those weirdy Councillors who aren’t Illiberals would no longer be on Smalltown Council and I’d be in charge again.”

“Look at me though. I’m as happy as a pig in sh1t. When I’ve finished this bottle of Albanian Whiskey I’ve got another one to drink. And another one after that. Ohh ohh, I’m prepared to put my name to things. Not like all you pathetic keyboard warriors out there. Xx”

“It’s okay though. I know how much you all regret voting for the BeFuddleds. Don’t worry, I forgive you all for being idiots and I know you’ll vote for me again, no matter what I do or say. Because you are all IDIOTS. Love you.”

SomersetClive hopes that Squire Teflon’s headache isn’t too bad this morning and doesn’t impede on his newspaper deliveries.

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