Spending money like water

Last night’s Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council Town Unimprovements Committee meeting saw Councillors discuss the Town Council’s assets.

The report had been put together by the Smalltown and Dullbridge Smalltown Administration Deputy (SADSAD), Eileen Mutton, and so (Previously) Smalltown’s Most Popular Person Cllr Jock ‘Balcony’ McCads was not invited to the meeting as it was deemed that having him attend whilst Ms Mutton discussed assets was too risky.

Reading from Ms Mutton’s report Committee Chair, Cllr Jim Rabbithole, told Councillors that the Smalltown Fountain at the junction of Main Street and Jetty Street has a broken pump, as well as a few other problems and therefore no longer founts.

A quotation of £2,994 had been received for the repair of the feature but this sum was beyond what was still available in the budget and so any decision would have to be agreed by the Full Town Council.

Squire Teflon, mindful that this is the only feature which could lead people to visit his close-friend and employer Mistress Bones’ Newspaper and Tat Emporium, insisted that it was imperative that the fountain be fixed telling Councillors “It sounds quite a lot, and it is quite a lot, but encouraging you BeFuddleds to agree to overspend the budget is my new favourite thing, so I think we should agree to this.”

Fellow Illiberal and Fridgpond resident, Professional Councillor Mark Facelift agreed saying “Whenever I visit Smalltown this is one of the first things I see. It is sad to see it in its current state, it is almost a metaphor for this Council. SaD.”

Chairman of the SaD Town Council Finance and Misappropriation Committee, Cllr Banish Barracuda, a man who should know a lot about budgets as one of the two SaD Town Councillors who know how to use a calculator said “Errrrm. It is errrm quite a errrrm lot of errrrm money. But I errrm don’t see that we errrrm have a errrrm choice. We errrrm can only errrrm pay out to errrrm fix it.”

A suggestion from the audience that perhaps Town Councillors could take the fountain along to one of the new Town Council Repair, Reduce and Recycle Cafes was ignored.

Smalltown residents will be delighted that the Council have agreed to repair the fountain and are already preparing their bottles of washing up liquid ready to add to the water once the fountain has been fixed.

However, whilst the TUMPS committee has agreed to the repair, the matter will now be referred to the Full Town Council as neither Dictator Dullard nor Deputy Dictator Sherry are members of the TUMPS committee and no decision can be made without their approval.

Meanwhile, with the Christmas lights budget already overspent and now the Town Unimprovements Budget nearing overspend it is to be hoped that no further high expenditure will be needed during the next six month of the financial year or SaD Town Council could see themselves joining Brumingham Council in declaring themselves bankrupt.

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