Squire hits out at police

After a late night session, fuelled by Mongolian Whisky, Squire Teflon took to social media to berate the Somerset Police Force for refusing to attend an emergency.

Writing on AceCrook the Squire posted “What is on my mind tonight is at 23.00hrs. Somerset Police do not give a “care” about Smalltown. Maybe they could contact me.”

Speaking to SomersetClive the next morning, Teflon at first denied making the post, telling us “I don’t remember anything about last night, other than LIDILS had sold out of Albanian Whisky again and I had to purchase the Mongolian equivalent which is much stronger. Now go away. I’ve got a headache.”

It later emerged that Squire Teflon had been so incensed by the lack of his favourite tipple on the shelves that he had telephoned the emergency services 94 times to report the crime.

Mike Shellfish, the Commissioner for Police Crime, said “My good friend Squire Teflon felt that it was his duty to report that a crime had been perpetrated at the Smalltown branch of LIDILS, after he visited the premises and found that the Albanian Whisky shelves had been ransacked by persons unknown.

Unfortunately all our officers were busy hiding from travellers so were unable to attend at the time. However, we did send a Crime Scene Investigator out to check the shelves for fingerprints and they struck lucky.

The shelf was covered in fingerprints but our CSI managed to get 1,994 perfect prints which we ran through our database to try to track down the criminals.

All the prints came back as belonging to one person – a Mr S.Teflon. We also spoke to the manager of the store who confirmed that there had been no break in and all Whisky sales had been accounted for. Therefore we are confident that no crime had been committed.

I’m sorry that Squire Teflon felt let down by the police on this occasion, but would advise him that in future he tries contacting a different emergency service for help – such as the AA.”

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