The row between Smalltown’s very own dead-person botherer, Mystic Mick and fellow spirit-lover, Haig Norris (and not Squire Teflon as you may have assumed) has reached boiling point.
Norris, who will be apparating at the White Elephant Enclosure on Wednesday, told SomersetClive in an exclusive interview “Ticket sales aren’t going as well as I predicted and I believe evil spirits have come out to play. Less than half the tickets have been sold and although I’m told that is an incredible number of sales for any performance at the White Elephant Enclosure and I’m used to displaying my talents to half empty theatres, I really thought I was going to sell out for once.
I have heard rumours that ‘someone’ is going around Smalltown telling people that I’m a sham and that ‘bad things’ will happen to anyone who possesses a ticket, and I’d like to assure your readers that this is not the case. Anyone who attends one of my shows will be wrapped in an aura of love, laughter and fluffy rainbow-coloured bunnies. No harm will come to anyone who purchases my optional Unicorn Foot talisman, available to buy before, during and after the show.
My Unicorn Foot talisman will protect your readers from the forces of evil and bring joy to the hearts of those who wear it. (Note: the receipt of joy is not covered by the guarantee.)“
We asked SomersetClive’s resident Crystal-ball gazer, Mystic Mick, for his views on the matter and he said “I told him over a month ago that he wouldn’t sell out the WEE. It was written in the stars and you can’t change your future. I don’t understand why he’s blaming me. I may have told a few people that anyone can do what he does, after all it’s not rocket science, is it? I’ll show you.”
Mystic Mick closed his eyes and turned around on the spot several times. Grabbing a nearby chair he announced “Blimey. I’m dizzy now. Didn’t see that coming. Anyway, I can hear a man in my ear. He’s shouting.
I see the letter C. Does that mean anything to you? Colin? Do you know a Colin? He doesn’t look happy. Do you know a miserable man called Colin?
Wait. He’s not miserable. He’s angry. And it’s not Colin. It’s Clint. He smells very strongly of stale ale and smoke. He’s getting louder and angrier.
Do you know a Clint who likes beer and barbecues and is often angry? He seems to hold the key to your future.”
At that moment our office door burst open and our Editor stomped into the room “Who are you calling a c*nt?” he demanded angrily.
“There you go”, said a visibly triumphant Mystic Mick.“I’m right again.”