No such thing as a FREE cake


After a massive over-spend by Smalltown Shops (SS) dictator Lady Brassy of Easton-under-Water, on the Smalltown Shops Jubilee Junket, it has been revealed that the promised FREE cake for ALL has now been scrapped.

The original idea to try and bribe the residents of Smalltown and Dullbridge into the town centre with cake to make the event look successful, has been scrapped and the scheme will now be conditional on the purchase of a cup of tea or coffee from selected eateries amongst the 94 cafes in Smalltown.

A source within the rival retailer organisation, Smalltown Chamber of Trade (SCOT) said “It’s hilarious. It appears that Lady Brassy spent 94 percent of her budget on paper plates and plastic cutlery purchased from Mistress Bones’ Tat & Newspaper Emporium and there’s no money left for the massive amount of cake that will be needed to sate the appetite of Smalltown.

I can understand why the SS came up with the scheme in the first place, because really the event is all about standing around to watch a select group of friends of Brassy, Bones and Teflon, together with some schoolchildren, as they eat lunch. That’s not really entertainment and nobody really wants to see that (unless they are Prince HandyPandy).

The whole thing is shaping up to be a disappointment AND a disaster, which will be a first for an event in Smalltown.”

A local cafe owner said “The idea of FREE cake for ALL was ridiculous in the first place. It seems no one learnt anything from the Mince Pie Mountain debacle. We were hoping to make a killing with cake sales and now we are being asked to supply it free of charge. At least we will claw back some money through sales of tea or coffee.”

SomersetClive contacted Lady Brassy for comment, she told us “Go away. Can’t you see I’m fecking busy? I’m trying to stop people sitting on Squire Teflon’s throne which he’s kindly lent me to place outside my shop.”

When pressed for further comment about the shortage of money amongst traders due to the economic downturn, Lady Brassy wailed “All I wanted to do was let them eat cake.”

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