Mount Teflon erupts

The eruption of Mount Teflon, which began on Wednesday night and continued to rumble yesterday, saw Squire Teflon make ever-increasing outlandish claims about Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council under his rule.

On the thorny topic of Council Tax Teflon claimed that “For the record I reduced your council tax under my leadership.
Just saying”

He then elaborated on the subject saying “During the last 4 years of Illiberal control we had a standstill budget and a reduction one year.

Take a look at last years and look forward to next years.”

Unfortunately, Teflon’s arch-nemesis. Business Tycoon, Lex Turkey was on hand to shoot down the Squire’s claims in flames. Mr Turkey said “Morning Squire, I don’t share your recollection of 2019 to 2022 concerning Council Tax rises:. In 2020 your Town Council approved a 16% Council Tax hike – the highest it’s ever been.”

Mr Turkey then went on to point out that the reason this year’s Council Tax had increased was because the White Elephant Enclosure is such a White Elephant that it needed £1 in every £5 from Council Tax in subsidies and that if Squire Teflon hadn’t insisted on saving it for the Nation back in 2011, no one would have needed to raise Council Tax ever.

Undaunted Teflon went on to claim that “I got the WEE running costs down to 49k
What are they now?”

Readers will recall that in 2019 the WEE had made a total loss of £437,401 in the seven years since it was saved for the Nation and that figure is now estimated to be touching £1 million. Whilst the running costs of the WEE got down to £55, 000 in 2015, this was due to the diligence of BeFuddled Town Councillor Chris Meister, who was Chair of the Finance committee at the time and kept a close eye on the WEE budget. Unfortunately, Cllr Meister resigned the following year and once again the costs rose.

It is thought highly possible that, much as happened with the accounts for the World Record Breaking Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink, Squire Teflon has either confused ‘running costs‘ with ‘income‘, or is making it up as he goes along, as the running costs were stated as an average of £95,000 by 2019 and have increased exponentially year-on-year.

Having ignored the truth when it was pointed out to him that he was telling porky pies, Teflon moved on to the Infamous Missing Arch, detailing that “The arch was suggested and purchased by an employee at the time. I’m not allowed to say who it was. Maybe somebody else on here has the knowledge.”

SomersetClive is happy to help. The facts are that two of Squire Teflon’s fellow Illiberal Councillors, Dick Trolley and Mark Facelift, felt that the Georgian Quarter of Smalltown was lacking in attractions, with most visitors failing to take the extra steps necessary and retreating back to the car park once they reached the junction of Main and School Streets.

It was Trolley and Facelift who charged the employee to come up with some ideas to make the area more appealing. It was Trolley and Facelift who seized on the arch suggestion. It was Trolley and Facelift who supported the idea at Committee level and it was Trolley and Facelift who oversaw the commissioning and purchasing of the sign.

However, it was Dick Trolley who proposed that the £9,416 from £9,677 of Tesco regeneration funding for the project, be written off as, although the company making the sign had requested that someone from SaDTC collect the sign, no one bothered and the company closed down, leading to the Town Unimprovements Committee to agree to ‘never mention the arch again’.

Unfortunately for Squire Teflon and despite his best attempts to destroy any paperwork related to these issues, a lot of these matters are on the public record and, whilst he nay be suffering from selective memory loss caused by a surfeit of alcohol, some elephants have long memories.

The Squire’s epic rant continued last night, when he skated on very thin ice by calling (Previously) Smalltown’s Most Popular Person (Dullbridge Public Enemy No.1) Jock ‘Balcony’ McCads a “BeFuddled letch”. Teflon would do well to remember that there an awful lot of women out there who could share their stories about his similar behaviour.

Mount Teflon last erupted in 2022 and although there have been smaller rumblings since then, this is the first major eruption this year. It is believed that this may be linked to a large delivery of Albanian Whiskey after several months of abstinence.

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