The Squire has announced a shock u-turn following the public reaction to the Smalltown Shops (SS) backing of an out-of-town garden mall as exclusively reported by SomersetClive.
Asked for a reaction, Squire Teflon said “I thought everyone was into plant-based living these days, but apparently not. It’s none of my business where they buy their cheap tat, but isn’t it better that it’s lining the pockets of a large conglomerate rather than some grotty little local business which wastes time paying taxes?“
The Squire has now proposed a new idea based on something Mistress Bones remembered vaguely from an illicit weekend somewhere fancy a few Christmases ago: “They had this fantastic German Christmas Market, all German stuff it was – beer in funny teapots, strangely warm wine and unidentifiable meat products. It’s time that Smalltown had a German Christmas Market of its own.”
Town Council spokesminion, Tanya Summer outlined the plans on a map shown on the Hayloft Road overhead projector, explaining that “it’s really important that both towns benefit from this wünderbar idea – so there will initially be two very German outlets“
- In Dullbridge, Baldi will be selling a wide range of low cost everyday foodstuffs and unusual brands in strangely familiar packaging, along with an interesting line in gifts such as powertools, tennis rackets, ironing board covers and pyjama gift sets.
- In Smalltown, Yiddle will be selling a wide range of low cost everyday foodstuffs and unusual brands in strangely familiar packaging, along with an interesting line in gifts such as powertools, tennis rackets, ironing board covers and pyjama gift sets.
Questioned as to why we weren’t getting nice little Alpine-style Hansel and Gretl shacks with artisanal products, The Squire snorted loudly and refused to rotate his chair in our direction. Summer, speaking on his behalf said “well we have these well established German emporiums already in our community. Who needs fancy stalls full of foreign muck we voted to escape from?“
It is also reported that a German-themed exhibition along the walking route between the two sites, called ‘The Middle Aisle’ was proposed but swiftly shelved when local enthusiast Barry Himmler’s collection of memorabilia turned out to be rather focused on a specific period in German history.
It is yet to be revealed if the Squire will be donning lederhosen for the ceremonial opening of the ‘market’ or whether these are confined to the boudoir of Mistress Bones? While we’ve already seen him at his wurst, there are things which are best left to the imagination.