Squire Teflon launches new Dating App

Always on the lookout for new and interesting ideas to put Smalltown and Dullbridge on the map, Squire Teflon has launched an innovative new Dating App in order to find new friends.

The app, called Squandr, is available via the SaD Town Council website, and allows interested parties to sign up to become a ‘Friend of the Squire’. The search for a friend was originally advertised in November but there were no takers, so the Squire has decided to think outside the box in an attempt to fill the position.

Squire Teflon will be personally reviewing all applications and will swipe left on those he deems to be of interest. Selected candidates will then be required to take the Squire out for a meal to discuss the more intimate aspects of the position.

This is a casual vacancy, with no prospects of it becoming a permanent position, as the Squire likes to keep his options open when it comes to friends. Meals will be conducted in secrecy, in order to prevent Mistress Bones finding out what’s going on.

No set qualification is required to be a Friend of the Squire and it is important that people of all backgrounds and experiences serve the Squire so all parts of the community are represented. The Squire offers full training for new friends and will encourage you to understand the responsibilities of the position.

Who can be a friend?
Almost anyone, as long as you are:
. Alive (although applications from the newly buried will also be considered.
. At least 16 years old
. Have all your own teeth
. Female
. Have at least a passing interest in ballpoint pens

You can’t be a friend if you:
. Have never been to the White Elephant Enclosure and are not prepared to sing its praises on a daily basis, thanking the Squire for his largesse in saving this unique facility for the privileged
. Are a member of the Smalltown Chamber of Trade
. Have not been accused of a corrupt or illegal practice

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