During the Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Full Town Council meeting held at the Porland Community Hub on Tuesday councillors agreed to dismiss out of hand the offer made by Blitz Cinema Owner Padraig Irishh to use his vast experience to make the White Elephant Enclosure a success.
Cllr Banish Barracuda put forward a proposal to committee members saying “Errrm. Can I errrm propose that we seriously errrm consider the Expression of Interest which errrm has been received from Mr errrrm Irishh?
We could errrrm talk about errrrm developing a process to errrrm invite tenders from anyone errrrm interested in taking errrm over the operation of the errrm WEE. We could errrm retain errrm ownership of the errrrm building and errrm lease it to a potential errrrm operator.
We can’t errrrm accept the errrm offer from errrrm Mr Irishh without first errrrm talking and thinking errrrm about it. We would errrrm also need to errrm open the tender process up to errrrm other operators who may errrm be interested in errrm taking it on, although I errrm seriously doubt anyone errrrm else would be that errrrm foolish.”
I’d like to errrm propose that we errrm allocate a budget of £20,000 to explore the errrm possibilities. We could errrrm do this alongside errrrm seeing if the errrrm recerrrrmendations in the errrrm Consultant Report will errrrm work.”
Official Fun Police Councillor Patsy Knickers disagreed saying “I don’t think we should do this. That £20,000 would be better spent on hiring a coach and providing packed lunches for Councillors to take part in a tour of all the entertainment venues in the UK, until we find one that is even less successful than the WEE. That way we can use it as an example to illustrate that the White Elephant Enclosure Problem (WEEP) isn’t as bad as it could be.
Obviously we are going to need to visit an awful lot of places before we find somewhere worse – and it may well be the case that we never do find anywhere – so we need to be prepared to throw even more money at the WEEP in order to justify spending so much money on it in the first place.”
Chair of the WEE committee Deputy Dictator Cllr Sherry agreed saying” I don’t understand how allowing some one else with actual experience of running a successful events venue would save us money. We wouldn’t have to pay out for staffing costs, hiring in acts and films, marketing and promotion, or ticket sale costs, but how would that help with the huge expenditure bill?
Instead, we would have to pay out for the costs of maintaining the building which we own and already pay for, so there wouldn’t be any change there. This would be something that we would need to think and talk about for a long, long while, and I don’t believe we have time to do that.”
However, Cllr Robert NotBothered, (InItForHimself Party) took a leaf from the ‘Ladybird Little Book of BeFuddled Party Ideas and Guide to Decision Making‘ and managed to both agree and disagree with the proposal at the same time.
Cllr NotBothered said “It’s fair to say that we Town Councillors and our staff do not have the professional expertise to run and manage a WEE. In order to run a commercially successful WEE a professional needs to be engaged, someone who understands the costs involved in running a WEE and has the necessary experience to work in the programming to provide entertainment that people actually want to see. Someone like Mr Padraig Irishh.
We really need to look at all the available options and some of the non-available ones as well, before we decide whether we should get an outside party to take it on or whether we continue to fumble around in the dark with no idea where, what, why or how we are doing.
With less than 0.4% of the population of Smalltown and Dullbridge (and with the majority of users and audiences actually living in Smalltown and not Dullbridge), using the WEE it’s clear that the WEE is a much loved national treasure and I don’t believe we should let anyone else get involved.
Imagine if just a small proportion of the £1 million in funding received by the WEE had been spent in Dullbridge. We wouldn’t be sat here in this rickety old wooden shack with the leaking roof and dodgy plumbing that we call the Porland Community Hub, but could be in a state of the art building with all mod cons including a tea and coffee machine.
Having said that, I believe that the WEE is a wonderful building and we should spend a lot more money on it.
So that’s a Yes/No from me.”
Squire Teflon rejected Cllr Barracuda’s proposal saying outright, saying “How many times do I have to say it? I personally paid a £1 from my pocket money to save the WEE for the nation. I’ve spent a very long time working with the various managers we’ve had over the ten years, trying to work out exactly the right way to polish Elephant droppings, so that I don’t have to admit that I got it wrong, and I’m not going to stop now.
In the future I am planning to have a solid gold statue of myself installed in front of the building and people will be expected to doff their caps and bow down before it.
They will say ‘Squire Teflon. He was immortal, invisible and god only wise. He wanted only the best for the residents of Smalltown Posh, even if that meant people in other electoral constituencies starved to death.’
So no, I’m not supporting this ridiculous proposal from Cllr Barracuda that we actually look at doing something for the good of the majority.”
Absolutely nobody supported Cllr Barracuda’s proposal and Deputy Dictator Sherry immediately passed him the pointy hat and sent him to sit in the corner of the room, with Dictator Dullard telling him that he’d “been a very naughty boy and you need to think about the consequences of your actions.”
Dictator Dullard thanked everyone for the lovely debate and said it had been really good to hear everyone else’s opinions for once.
Unfortunately, now that SaDTC have treated Mr Irishh so abysmally, reacting to his latest offer to help with either contempt or downright suspicion, he is unlikely to make the same offer again. Quite why Councillors believe that he stands to become a trillionaire on the back of the WEE or has some other ulterior motive in mind is beyond comprehension. What Mr Irishh does have is the experience in turning failing White Elephant Enclosure into successful White Elephant Enclosure which pay their own way, something which SaD Town Councillors lack the experience and skills to do.
With no hope for a Plan B residents of Smalltown and Dullbridge can look forward to not only handing over 20% of their council tax to continue to prop up the WEE for the next year, but for eternity.