SomersetClive was privileged to take a ringside seat at the live webcast of the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council Standards Board Committee meeting, held on Tuesday, as they considered the allegation levelled at Smalltown’s Most Popular Person (Dullbridge Public Enemy No.1), Jock McCads of behaving in an appropriate manner towards the Smalltown and Dullbridge Smalltown Administration Deputy (SADSAD), Eileen Mutton.
Here’s our insight into how the events unfolded.
Dressed in a tight-fitting pale grey trouser suit, with a white shirt buttoned tightly at the collar, Cllr Jock McCads took his position in the witness box.
Glancing across at the panel of men seated opposite, he gave them a nervous, yet coquettish smile, and pushed his chest out towards them in a provocative manner.
“Hello” he whispered in a low voice, fluttering his eyelashes.
“Are you okay, Cllr MCads?”, Gail Sinclair-SeaFive, the Investigating Officer appointed by the Monitoring Officer, appointed by the Standards Officer, appointed by the Authorative Officer, asked.
“I think I have something in my eye. Would you mind taking a wee look?” Jock purred in reply.
“Shall we just get on with it?” the Chairman of the meeting Cllr Arthur Dailey snapped back. “You are here to answer the allegation that you have displayed a misogynistic attitude, a lack of respect and have bullied the Smalltown and Dullbridge Smalltown Administration Deputy (SADSAD), Miss Eileen Mutton, and as such have broken the Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council’s Code of Conduct. How do you plead?”
“Not guilty m’Lud and, if I may say so,” he paused to glance at the SADSAD, seated to his right, “Doesn’t she look wonderful today?
That superb red blouse that she’s wearing, do you see how it matches the colour of her eyes? Notice the loose floppy tie at the neck – I believe it’s called a ‘Pussy Bow’. The way she’s tucked the blouse into the waistband of her smart black trousers. The loose black jacket neatly covering her ass- ets. Such style. Such Jeh Nah Say Kwah.” and with that, he started to hum ‘Lady in Red’.
“Cllr McCads, can you just stick to telling us what happened on the day in question, please?”
“I’m sorry. I can’t help myself, it’s the effect she has on me. Every time I see her my heart skips a beat. Let me see. Yes. It was June 2022 and I’d gone into the Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council office. My Mad Hatter’s Tea Party was scheduled for a few weeks time. I usually get grant funding from SaD Town Council, but I hadn’t heard anything.
I was getting stressed because I needed to pay for the toilets and if I didn’t get the funding I had no option but to cover the cost myself.
I spotted Miss Mutton sat at her desk. My attention was immediately diverted to her dress. It was particularly low cut and I found it very distracting. I think I said something along the lines of ‘Come on Eileen, Oh, I swear, At this moment my grant is everything. But you in that dress, well my thoughts, I confess, verge on dirty. Ah, come on, Eileen.’.
That was it. I definitely didn’t tell her that if she went in to ask the Smalltown Temporary Executive Administration Manager (STEAM) to let me have the money, dressed in a very low cut top, he would be sure to give it to her. Why would I say that?
He wasn’t even in his office at the time.
I then explained to her that I was struggling with the SaD website. I mean, everyone has, it’s dire and you can never find anything on it. I wanted to see the agenda for the next meeting.
Miss Mutton said she could help me with that. So I handed her my tablet. Almost immediately she found what I was looking for. I was flabbergasted and asked if she would mind showing me what she had done, because I knew that once I was back at home I still wouldn’t find what I was looking for.
She indicated that I should stand behind her. Something I was loathe to do, because that would give me an unrestricted view of her cleavage, but I reluctantly did as she asked. And I was right. It did give me an unrestricted view of her cleavage.
She demonstrated how to work my ipad. I was overcome with emotion, I couldn’t believe it. I thanked her profusely. I told her that I could happily kiss her. I didn’t mean it, it was a figure of speech. I didn’t really want to kiss her. I’m not in the habit of kissing women just for the sake of it. I’m not Squire Teflon.
At the time she laughed it off. She didn’t seem to be upset by what I’d said and I have no idea why she didn’t object at the time.”
Cllr MCads took out a tissue and dabbed at his eyes.
“I really didn’t understand what I did wrong, but younger people have told me that things are very different in the workplace nowadays. It’s no longer the 1970s and ideas and attitudes have changed. I’m very sorry that I caused such distress to Miss Mutton, although I do feel she over-reacted to what was essentially just a bit of friendly workplace banter.”
“Thank you Cllr McCads. If you wouldn’t mind buttoning your shirt back up now.” Cllr Dailey said firmly.
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I hadn’t realised I was exposing myself.” Cllr McCads giggled. “I do hope my near-nakedness hasn’t harmed my chances of getting a fair hearing.”
At this point the panel retired to consider their response. Cllr McCads’ solicitor patted his hand.
“There, there, dry your eyes love“, she said in a soothing manner, “You did very well, sweetie. Now stop that silly crying. I think you must be hormonal. Come on – pull yourself together. We will go and get a nice cup of tea, that will make you feel better. Don’t worry your pretty little head – everything will be okay.”
At tthis point the screen went blank and your reporter went off to grab a sandwich.