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As well as asking Smalltown and Dullbridge residents which services they felt Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council should take on to help the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Scrooge Cuonty Council out of the financial mess they have found themselves in, SaD Town Council also asked residents which services currently provided by the town council should be retained.
Despite only 69 responses being received, representing only 0.35% of the voting public Head of Mathematics, Councillor Banish Barracuda was still able to use these figures to make a number of conclusions. .
The first of these is that Dictator Dullard’s continuous parties be curtailed, as they received zero support from residents. The Climate Rescue Action Plan (CRAP) saw slightly better support, but residents commented that the CRAP Festival, was a complete waste of money. It is unlikely that these suggestions will be given any serious consideration by SaD Town Councillors as Dictator Dullard has indicated that any reductions in her budgets will lead to the immediate expulsion of any Councillors who vote to do so.
The annual Festival of Bangs and Pops is also in jeopardy, after only five people ticked the box to keep them, although the extraordinary expenditure on Christmas trees and lights is safe, having attracted 17 votes.
A total of 28 people agreed with continuing to fund the White Elephant Enclosure, 11 fewer than wanted to keep the dog waste bins and 18 fewer than the number who felt the provision of public toilets should be a priority. However, whilst only a third of respondents felt the WEE was a good thing, this has been translated as “the balance of responses was supportive of the WEE” . Proof that you can indeed make statistics say whatever you want them to. Nine people also requested that no further money whatsoever be spent on the WEE, and that consideration should be given to paying closer attention to how it is run by SaD Town council. If indeed it is ‘run’.
However, to counter any criticism Cllr Barracuda revealed that the WEE Mismanagement Committee “are trying to work with the Smalltown Culture and Arts Manager (SCAM) to reduce the net
cost of the Theatre by increasing the income and usage.” An incredibly novel idea which most definitely hasn’t been tried previously, during the 11 years the WEE has been in SaD Town Council ownership.
It is also recommended that SaDTC review the interest rates payable on their savings accounts – something that was previously suggested in an audit report in June 2022, but which still hasn’t been carried out, meaning that money held in reserves has not been achieving its full potential.
Other useful suggestions from residents included selling the Hayloft Road Palace Retirement Home for Bemused and Bewildered BeFuddled Party ex-Teachers (and Others) but to review what replaces it, as any plan to purchase and renovate the Old School opposite the WEE is likely to mean even more expenditure than any income gained from a sale.
One wag has even suggested selling Squire Teflon’s close friend and employer, Mistress Bones’ World Record Breaking Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink, which was purchased with funds from SaD TC. Although that will mean finding it first.