The Smalltown Sorting Office has still not delivered SomersetClive Agony Aunt Horace Monsoon’s mail but, thanks to the marvels of modern technology, we found the following message in a bottle on the office doorstep.
Dear Horace,
Help. Help. HELP.
I really need help. Like REALLY need help. Probably not just from you. Perhaps from a rehab place or the AA (not the car breakdown service).
Last week I had what can only be described as a massive, humungous, jaw-droppingly incredible, bender to end all benders.
Yes, I was completely and utterly drunk. More drunk than a rat who has drowned in a barrel of whiskey. This surfeit of alcohol led to me revealing my true personality. Not just to those around me, but to everyone in the World. There is no knowing how viral I’ve gone.
I know I’ve done this sort of thing many, many times before, but this time I really went too far. People are openly pointing and me in the street and laughing.
Now my only question is. How do I get out of this pickled mess? How do I claim it wasn’t me that said or did these things? Because I’m sure there must be a way to deny it.
Yours
StayingSoberUntilTheNextBottle
Dear StayingSoberUntilTheNextBottle,
Yes. I have heard about your drunken rant. I don’t think there’s anyone that hasn’t heard about it to be honest. It’s been the talk of the town and the constituency. You really have been incredibly stupid.
You have let the entire Illiberal Party down and I believe people in high places are massively upset with your conduct. You’ve acted in a manner which usurps even my own worst behaviour. And that’s really saying something.
I’m not sure even I can come up with a way out for you.
It’s too late to hide in a fridge. I can’t see how driving to a national monument to check your eyesight has any relevance. And I’m pretty sure you can’t claim that you ‘didn’t know the rules’, you’ve done that too many times already.
The only think I can think of is for you to pretend you’ve been hacked. An imposter has gained access to all your personal information, including your face, and has been impersonating you.
I would start laying the groundwork now. Why not take to social media immediately and start spreading the word?
Otherwise I’d say you are going to have to resign and take up a new career as a pen salesman. Even that won’t be easy, hardly anyone uses a pen nowadays.
Best I can do, given the circumstance of your spectacular downfall.
Yours
Horace