Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Councillors last night agreed to fund two Christmas Trees for the towns at a cost of £15,000 over three years. The cost for the first year will be £7, 394 and, as only £3,000 had been put into the budget for the trees, the extra cash must come from the Town Council’s General Reserves.
The recent SaDTC Town Unimprovements Committee Meeting (TUMPS), which had put forward the recommendation to approve the funding to the Full Council, saw Chairman of TUMPS, Cllr Jim Rabbithole and Squire Teflon cross swords over the issue when Cllr Rabbithole queried why the Town Council couldn’t just make use of the Christmas Tree installed outside of The George Hotel, as had been done in previous years when the Smalltown Chamber of Trade had been fully in charge of the Christmas Light Switch on event.
Squire Teflon said that wasn’t possible because The George didn’t have a Christmas Tree last year, and wouldn’t be having one this year because there was nowhere to put it.
A scene from a pantomime then ensued with Cllr Rabbithole saying “Yes they did.” and Squire Teflon insisting “No they didn’t.” several times.
Fast forward to last night and Cllr Jim Rabbithole told councillors that he had spoken to the Landlord of The George and they would be having a Christmas Tree this year and were hopeful that it would be ready in time for the SCOT Christmas Light Switch on Event which will take place outside The George.
Therefore wouldn’t it make sense to utilise that tree rather than splash unnecessary cash on a tree to be placed at the opposite end of Smalltown where no one would see it, apart from drunken revellers making their way from the Slow and Desperate Pub to The Willows Arms Pub.
Squire Teflon immediately reached into the breast pocket of his shirt and with a flourish produced a letter from behind the row of pens. “I thought this might happen, so I have prepared for this situation.” Teflon announced, “In my hand I have a letter.
Written by the leaders of the Smalltown Shops (SS) group, which represent the interests of my close-friend and employer, Mistress Bones of the Newspaper and Tat Emporium, located in Jetty Street. Lady Brassy of Easton-under-Water, co-Leader and Very, Very, Very, Very, Very, Very Person in the SS would urge SaDTC to site the tree at the bottom end of Main Street as this is the perfect location to entice punters to Mistress Bones’ Newspaper and Tat Emporium.
We have a duty to ensure that the interests of the few traders at the bottom end of Main Street are respected and to not have a Christmas Tree at that location is an insult to Mistress Bones.”
(Previously) Smalltown’s Most Popular Person (Dullbridge Public Enemy No.1) Cllr Jock ‘Balcony’ McCads, who recently completed his Standards Board ordered Conversion Therapy Course queried the cost saying “Are you sure these figures are correct? I can’t believe a tree would cost this much. I’d expect a really sexy tree for that kind of money.”
Chair of the Finance and Malfeasance Committee, Cllr Banish Barracuda, explained that the cost of the trees had risen to astronomical levels since the Town Council took on the responsibility for providing a tree and that, although the money could be found, he wondered whether the TC would be justified in spending that much money.
Determined to stop the debate before Fun Police Officer Councillor Patsy Knickers became involved and cancelled the whole shebang, Squire Teflon proposed that the money be spent and this was seconded by fellow Illiiberal Cllr Prue Hairdresser, who was able to make her first appearance at a SaDTC meeting this year, thanks to the recent Blue Moon.
The majority of Councillors, fearing negative headlines in the local media, voted for the proposal, with only Cllrs Barracuda and Rabbithole doing the sensible thing and voting against spending more cash than was absolutely necessary.
The Smalltown Chamber of Trade confirmed that plans for their event, which will take place in its traditional location outside The George Hotel, are progressing, leaving the Town Council’s Lonely Little Christmas Tree ignored and unloved.
All pretty correct, apart from that Squire Teflon is a d1ckhead.