Smalltown’s Agony Aunt answers a reader’s burning question.
Dear Horace,
I wonder if I can count on your discretion? I have a unique problem, which I would rather keep just between the two of us, if you don’t mind.
My problem started just over a year ago. I was down the pub with a couple of friends and they suggested that I should stand for election as a joke. I accepted the challenge, because I didn’t expect to win.
Little did I know that they’d set me up. There were only enough candidates for the number of seats and so there was no election and I ended up with a seat on the council. I realise that most people who dream of becoming a Councillor would feel grateful if this happened to them, but I’m finding the whole thing to be a nightmare.
You see, I’ve never been one to court publicity (unlike one or two of my fellow Councillors). I prefer to remain anonymous an ‘international man of mystery’ if you will. I simply don’t want to be recognised or contacted by my constituents.
I discovered almost immediately that I would be expected to attend meetings on a regular basis and – horror of horrors – I was asked to submit a photograph and a short biography which would be used on the council website. Naturally I have refused to do any such thing and, whilst the mugshots and details of all the other councillors are available on the website to view, my details are sketchy to say the least.
The meetings themselves aren’t too bad. I am on two committees and am also expected to turn up to the full Town Council meeting as well. This hasn’t be too much of a problem, as I’ve found it easy to stay at home and not actually go to the meetings, but every once in a while I have to show my face because otherwise I would fall foul of the regulations and could be removed from my position.
I am attending only the bare minimum of meetings and also place a paperbag over my head so that no one will recognise me. I maintain a dignified silence during these meetings because I find the discussions trivial and I have difficulty remaining awake.
As none of the other councillors or members of the public actually know what I look like, do you think it would be permissible for me to engage a stunt double? Someone who could go to the meetings in lieu of me, stick their hand up when required and nod or shake their head every once in a while?
I know comrades Voldemort Puton and Kim Kardashi-un both use doubles when needed, so it’s not that much of a departure in terms of political precedents.
Yours
KeepTheRedFlagFlying
Dear KeepTheRedFlagFlying
What a spiffing idea! I wish I’d thought of that. A double would have been really useful – I could have blamed him for everything.
Photographic evidence of me partying when everyone else was banned from socialising? Nope. That wasn’t me. That was my double.
Another woman claiming I’m the father of her child? Again – no – that was my double.
Accused of hiding in a fridge to avoid uncomfortable questions? Errrm. Yes. That was me.
This is such a jolly good idea that I’m going to steal it for myself and claim that I thought of it first and if anyone finds evidence to the contrary I shall blame my double.
Yours
Horace.