In the first volume of Steven C. Gull’s long-running saga we heard how Squire Teflon helped Mistress Bones with funding for her dream to bring a World Record Beating Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink to Smalltown, in return for a favour or two or 16,000. They had agreed to keep their relationship a secret from significant others, friends and the residents and electorate of Smalltown.
Following a hugely unsuccessful opening event, which attracted huge amounts of Town Council funding and small crowds, the World Record Beating Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink opened and, a few short weeks later, closed again.
We rejoin the dynamic duo to find them having adjusted the figures to made a silk purse out of an elephant’s ear and have managed to convince everyone that the Rink was a huge success. They are now working on a scheme for the return of Mistress Bones Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink.
Unfortunately some residents of Smalltown and Dullbridge are not happy to see their money spent on yet another vanity project and have been rather vocal in their objections, some have even written letters to the local newspapers raising their concerns…
Chapter Seven.
Mistress Bones was sat behind the counter in her Newspaper and Tat Emporium, staring out of the window and wondering why people were walking past her shop to get to Witherspoons and not stopping off to buy a plastic bucket and spade first.
She was just wondering if she should add a few more beach balls to the display cluttering up the pavement outside when Squire Teflon hove into view. He waved a piece of paper at her.
“Good morning, my little black forest gateau, I hope you are feeling better this morning? There’s nothing like getting a good seeing-to to help you sleep.”
“It wasn’t really a good seeing-to, was it? It was more like a quick knee trembler round the back. What’s that in your hand?”
“It’s the press release. I’ve been up all night, fuelled by Albanian Whiskey, writing it.”
She took the sheet of A4 paper he proffered, turned it over and began to read.
‘Statement on the World Record Breaking Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink.
It was a great idea. We spent all the grant money and you’re not getting it back. So there.’
“Is that it?” She asked, frowning at the piece of paper.
“Yes.“
“This took you all night?”
“Yes.”
“And you think this will silence the critics?”
“Yes.”
Mistress Bones pursed her lips and looked doubtful.
“I love it when you do that with your lips.” The Squire said, suddenly finding that his underpants were a bit restrictive.
“I think you need to do a lot better” she said, handing the sheet of paper back to him.”
“Any chance of some ‘inspiration’ first?”
“No.“
Squire Teflon looked crestfallen and, moving with some difficulty thanks to his overtight budgie smugglers, left the shop.