SomersetClive’s Agony Aunt, Horace Monsoon had a full sack of letters this week. It seems a lot of our readers have problems for which they are seeking advice. If you have a problem and need some help, send an email to Horace and you can benefit from his years of wisdom.
Dear Horace,
I am the leader and commander of a small town and have been for over a year. I am becoming increasingly concerned about the possibility of a rival mounting a coup to oust me from my position.
I wonder if you can offer me any advice? It would be good if you could.
I’ll just explain in more detail, because this will give me a chance to include the word ‘I’ many more times.
As I said, I am becoming very concerned about my position. When I took control I very magnanimously gave this person (who shall rename nameless, because the last thing I want is for her name to get as much coverage as mine, but for the purposes of my letter I’m going to call her Cruella.) Now, where was I? Oh yes. I magnanimously, from the goodness of my heart, made this person my Deputy.
I fear this was a mistake. Even though I don’t make mistakes. I have recently discovered that she has been conducting meetings in secret – to which I haven’t been invited – and has been making decisions all on her own, without me.
It is my job to make unilateral decisions and I am concerned by her attempts to copy me. I realise that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I am worried that she is not trying to imitate me but is instead trying to make me superfluous to requirements.
I am growing increasingly concerned about her attempts to keep me away from my campaign of self-publicity. I thrive on having my photograph taken and being featured in the news, but she keeps invading my photo opportunities and copying my floral dresses, with the result that people are finding it hard to distinguish between us. It feels like she is trying to become me.
Do you have any experience or tips that you can offer me to help me keep her in her place and ensure that I remain in my position?
It has been good to write to you.
ThisTownAintBigEnough
Dear ThisTownAintBigEnough,
Thank you for your letter, which we have had to cut to fit in the available column space, but I can assure my readers that in its entirety it ran to some 94 pages all in a similar vein to the extract we have published.
This definitely sounds familiar, and I can certainly see that the green-eyed monster is at work here. There is nothing worse than a jealous rival who is constantly plotting your downfall. I should know. I have been that rival many times.
I have also encountered my fair share of backstabbers, snakes in the grass and traitors to the cause and these people are jolly horrible.
I would suggest distancing yourself from her as much as possible, keep her at arm’s length and surround yourself with paid employees who will hang on to your every word.
I would also recommend crossing her name off your Christmas card list. I know it’s only August, but you will get a great sense of satisfaction from knowing that you crossed her off before she crossed you off.
The important thing is not to let her win and not to show that you are hurt by her betrayal.
Perhaps you could invite her for a lovely cup of conciliatory tea? Invite her to your home, make sure she is comfortable and ask if she would like one lump or two. When preparing the tea be sure to add a couple of drops of strychnine to her cup and remember to smile sweetly as you pass her the cup.
I’m sure you will agree that a lot of the World’s problems could be solved with a lovely cup of strychnine-laced tea.
Good luck!
Horace.