Bloke who knows nothing won’t stop sharing opinions about everything

A resident of Smalltown, who moved here from Big City to enjoy his twilight years, has been irritating long-term residents by sharing his thoughts on things he knows absolutely nothing about.

With opinions that put even local Retail/Weather/Popular Music/Carnivoo and Tractor Expert, Dani Morris in the shade, the man has loudly declared that he “knows Everything about Everything”, before showing himself up with comments which prove he doesn’t actually know anything about anything.

Having declared himself to be a former Lord Mayor, Member of Parliament, CEO (Civil Enforcement Officer), Someone Who Has People To Make Tea For Him (SWHPTMTFH), Top Worker at All Things (Ed – Don’t even think about using an acronym for that one) and Very Important Mover and Shaker in a place much bigger than the teeny-tiny parish of Smalltown, the man has wasted no time at all in making himself extremely unpopular with residents, by telling them that their opinions are wrong and they shouldn’t share them, before sharing his own incorrect opinions on anything and everything.

Smalltown resident, Tony Madley said “Oh my God! Does he ever shut up? He’s constantly telling us that he knows better than we do and going into great detail telling us how they do things in Big City. What he can’t seem to understand is that this isn’t Big City, so everything he says is irrelevant.

That’s bad enough, but he also keeps contradicting himself. One minute he’s telling us that we didn’t vote BeFuddled because we were hoping for a shakeup on Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council, then he tells us that we voted BeFuddled because we thought they would shake up SaD Town Council. Either way he is wrong, we voted for a party that we hoped would bring change and instead we got more of the same. May as well have voted Illiberal.”

Simon LeBad added “Won’t somebody please rid us of this over-opinionated bore? He hasn’t lived here long enough to be able to comment on things that have happened in Smalltown previously.

How can you talk with such confidence about things such as Mistress Bones’ World Record Breaking Ice Rink and Penguin Paddling Pool, the solid gold arch we must never mention again, and the White Elephant Enclosure, when you don’t know the history behind them?

He recently suggested that showing classic films at the WEE is a great NEW idea. He doesn’t even know that they’ve been showing classic films to an audience of three for over a year.”

SomersetClive reached out to the man for comment and he said “SomersetClive, eh? You know what you’re doing wrong, don’t you? You really don’t want to do it like that. When I was Lord Mayor of Big City we didn’t do it like that.

You all seem to think that you are entitled to express your opinions but that’s not what Freedom of Speech is all about. You can share your opinions if you want to, but you need to know that you’re wrong, I’m right and there’s no point discussing anything.

If I was doing it my way, which would be the right way, rather than constantly have to tell you all that you’re doing it the wrong way, I’d do away with all these councils and put me in charge. Because I know exactly what you all should be thinking, doing and saying and that would be to only do the things that I tell you to think and do and say. Anything else is irrelevant and therefore wrong.

I have a lot of experience in absolutely everything, where as you people in Smalltown don’t have any experience of anything. I also know an awful lot of Very Important People. People who are Much More Important Than You. That’s how Very Important I am.

When I was a Very Important Mover and Shaker in Big City, I…”

Unfortunately at this point our Editor, Mr Clive Saint, Sir, entered the room, pointed at the phone and said “Don’t be racking up a huge phone bill talking to someone who doesn’t know what he’s talking about” and we had to gently replace the receiver, thus ending the call. The man was so busy telling us how Very Important he is that he didn’t notice.

Here in the SomersetClive office we are beginning to wonder if he is indeed a Big City Shaker or just a local man trying to stifle the views of those in the know about the Smalltown & Dullbridge shenanigans.