Last Monday’s meeting of the Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council Finance and Misappropriation Committee at the Hayloft Road Palace Retirement Home for Bemused and Bewildered BeFuddled Party ex-Teachers (and Others), saw the assembled Councillors discuss the hot topic of energy.

With the old fixed-rate contract for energy to supply Hayloft Road Palace, the White Elephant Enclosure, and the Brunt Road Cemetery about to expire, the Smalltown and Dullbridge Smalltown Administration Deputy (SADSAD), Eileen Mutton had prepared a variety of quotes from energy companies for comparison purposes.

Ms Mutton’s carefully collated quotations, which had been supplied by an energy broker, detailed the huge increases in energy costs which everyone has been facing due to the Cost of Living We Are All Going To Die Crises.

However, in line with SaD Town Council’s commitment to Dictator Dullard’s Climate Rescue Action Plan (CRAP) , together with reducing SaDTC’s carbon output and the oft-stated BeFuddled Party claim that “We is considerably more green than you“, Ms Dutton had recommend that the Council select the Green energy options. All Councillors needed to decide was whether to sign up for a 12 month, 24 month or 36 month contact.

The quotations put before the councillors showed that the White Elephant Enclosure has previously been paying £8,676 for the year, but this would increase from between 139 percent to 142 percent, depending on the contract period chosen, the cheapest option was £20,698 with no green option available, due to ‘a problem with the current meter‘ which made it difficult to get alterative quotations from a different supplier.

Gas prices for the WEE and Hayloft Road Palace would see increases of between 133 percent to 160 percent, with the cheapest option seeing an increase from the current £5,584 per annum to £12,995.

Electricity for Hayloft Road Palace has been £958 for the year, but would rise by between 59 percent and 97 percent, the cheapest available price for the year being £1623.00

The increase for electricity at the Brunt Road Cemetary is more modest, with current costs of £1005 actually being cheaper on a green tariff at £880 for a 24 month contract.

All other prices supplied saw the green energy option being the most expensive.

Councillors then got down to the important matter of discussing the recommendation from Ms Mutton.

Squire Teflon said “I don’t see why we are being told to go for the green energy tariffs. I think we need to go back to basics and choose the cheapest option.

F*ck the planet. I don’t think the electorate will be at all happy seeing us waste their money like this. They much prefer it when we waste money on the White Elephant Enclosure.”

Cllr Barbara Knickers, proponent of SaD Town Council’s Green Policy and author of the Climate Rescue Action Plan (before Dictator Dullard stole it as her idea), disagreed saying “To not choose the green option makes us look stupid. What is the point of Dictator Dullard organising her CRAP Festival to encourage residents to be more green if we don’t practise what we preach?

We BeFuddleds really need to stand firm and demonstrate how green we are.”

Local BeFuddled Party Leader, Cllr Banish Barracuda agreed, whispering “Errrrm yes. Dictator Dullard is errrrm not going to be at emmmm all happy with us if we errrrm don’t select the errrrm green rates.”

However, Cllr Robert NotBothered, InItForHimself Party said “This green energy thing is all a gimmick. It all comes down the National Grid cables so who knows where it’s come from.”

Squire Teflon then proposed that, rather than choose a green energy contract and decide on the length of such, SaDTC should instead pick the cheapest rate for however long for each facility. This meant that the only green energy source for SaDTC over the coming year will be at the Brunt Road Cemetery.

At the vote the four Illiberal members present, together with Cllr NotBothered joined forces to choose anything but green. Deputy Dictator Eugenie Sherry (Cruella to her friends), who, in her own quest for World domination, has consistently been voting against her own BeFuddled Party colleagues, not to mention her superior Dictator Dullard’s wishes, also voted with the Illiberals.

This left Cllr Robb Apprentice-Candlestick Maker in a quandary. As the only official ‘Novice and Wet-Behind-the-Ears BeFuddled Candidate’, having attained BeFuddled Party Green status last year, he was torn between voting alongside his mentor Deputy Dictator Sherry or standing up for himself and voting against. Turning to his Mum in the audience for advice and receiving only a shrug of the shoulders in return, he did the only thing possible and stayed on the fence, choosing to abstain instead. Surely a worthy winner of Former Councillor Fencesitter’s ‘Councillor of the Year Award 2023′.

Cllrs Knickers and Cllr Barracuda were the only two to vote against, with both saying that it made SaDTC’s green policy look ridiculous, a comment which made Squire Teflon grin like the proverbial cat that got the cream.

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