Real reason revealed

New electoral boundary map of Somerset

Former UK Prime Minister Horace Monsoon shocked the nation on Friday when he announced that he was resigning from parliament with immediate effect.

With the national and international media focusing on the reasons behind his resignation from Sushi Runak’s Illiberal Government SomersetClive has been given exclusive access to Mr Monsoon.

It has been suggested that Mr Monsoon jumped before he was pushed due to the forthcoming results of the inquiry into the number of candles on Mr Monsoon’s Birthday Cake being less than they should have been, together with the suggestion that he lied to parliament telling them that he “was unaware of the legislation regarding Birthday Parties, Cakes and Candles at the time, but I do not believe I broke any rules”.

In a statement released on Friday Mr Monsoon said “I have received a letter from the Special Privileges Committee making it clear – much to my amazement – that they are determined to make a huge issue of my Birthday Cake Candle faux pas and use what they see as my evident lack of counting skills to drive me out of Parliament.

They have still not produced a shred of evidence that I knowingly or recklessly misled the Commons. I maintain that this simple miscalculation was a mistake that anyone could have made and I further deny all responsibility.

The Special Privileges Committee know perfectly well that when I spoke in the Commons, I was saying what I believed sincerely to be true and what I had been briefed to say, like any other minister. I was told that there were 56 candles on my Birthday Cake in 2020 and that it is what I believed at the time. I had no reason to doubt what I was told, and 56 candles would have been the correct number.

It was only afterwards that the cake baker informed me that they had only put 54 candles on my cake. The Privileges Committee know that I corrected the record as soon as possible.

So I have today written to my Illiberal Association in Muxbridge and South Cowslip to say that I am stepping down forthwith and triggering an immediate by-election. I am very sorry to leave my wonderful constituency.”

However, on Sunday Mr Monsoon spoke to SomersetClive and told us “To be perfectly honest that statement I put out is a load of piffle. I had had enough of representing the electorate in Muxbridge and South Cowslip. I mean, the area sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Conjures up images of a beautiful place in the heart of the countryside, all farms and greenery; but the reality is entirely different. You won’t see a cow for miles. And that is why I’ve decided to moove on.

Yes, that’s right. I’m heading for genuine green pastures new. When I heard that the Boundary Commission is looking to create a new constituency in Somerset I thought that sounds rather jolly. You can’t get more rural than sleepy old Somerset. It’s all cows, cider, trousers tied up with string, blade of straw hanging from the mouth, and grass.’ Ooh Er’ I believe the saying is.

Then I heard that amongst the possible candidates for the new constituency was Smalltown’s Squire Teflon. I have a reputation as a liar, a serial womanising cheat, for trying to suppress the media and for representing my own interests and I make no claims otherwise; but even my most heinous crimes pale into insignificance against those of Teflon.

I am at least honest about the fact that I’m dishonest, unlike Teflon I don’t claim to be something I’m not, so I’m fairly confident that I stand a better chance than he does of being the first ever Illiberal Party candidate for the new Smalltown and Dullbridge, Fridgpond Unitary Constituency (SaDFUC).”

SomersetClive tried to get Squire Teflon’s reaction to the news that he could have a rival for the position of the Illiberal Party’s Prospective Parliamentary Candidate in SaDFUC, but a spokeswoman at his place of employment – Mistress Bones’ Newspaper and Tat Emporium – told us “He hasn’t come into work today, because he’s got a massive headache. You don’t know anyone who wants a paper round, do you? Preferably someone who doesn’t go on a massive bender every Saturday night.”

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