Fridgpond Worker Party recently assessed the chances of an Illiberal Party win in the newly proposed Smalltown and Dullbridge, Fridgpond Unitary Constituency (SaDFUC).
If approved the new boundary changes would see the existing constituencies of Smells, together with Fridgpond and Western Somerset split in half to create a new constituency which is set to include Fridgpond and Smalltown and Dullbridge. The matter is due to be considered by the Boundary Commission with a recommendation put to Parliament in July.
Laughing their socks off, members of the Fridgpond-controlled Town Council gave their verdict on the chances of Illiberal Party candidates to secure a win in the town.
Amongst the contenders, and Squire Teflon’s competitors, are Doggo ‘Turncoat’ Rodericks, who failed to retain his seat on Fridgpond Town Council last year, having held it previously as a Working Party, then Independent and then Illiberal Party member.
Although his photograph has appeared frequently in the local press, posing with top Illiberal Party members, it is believed that he is unlikely to be selected as an Illiberal candidate because he will also be trying to secure a place as the Working Party candidate in the next few months.
All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset County Councillor, who currently represents Muntspill, Surly Ouijaboard is believed to already be on the approved list, having previously stood as an unsuccessful candidate in Brumingham and Brizzle, so she has recognised experience of losing.
It is unlikely that current sitting Missing Person, Tim Teepee, who represents the Smalltown and Dullbridge part of the new constituency will stand, as he knows which side his bread is buttered and would be stupid to move from the Smells Constituency. Likewise current Fridgpond Missing Person Ian Lonely-Ranger has already declared his intention to move away from Fridgpond.
Famed, named and shamed ‘bulldozer-porn’ viewer, Nigel Parsnip, who lives just outside Fridgpond could throw his hat into the ring. Parsnip has previous experience as a Missing Person but had to resign his seat last year following the unfortunate incident mentioned above.
All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council member for Muntspill, Mike Wheely, is unlikely to be a contender as fellow Huntspill representative Cllr Ouijaboard has warned him that “the omens don’t look good for you”.
Similarly Dullbridge Councillor John Cock-Wombleman has been told by Squire Teflon that he could find several unsolicited takeaways delivered to his address if he decides to stand.
So what of Squire Teflon‘s chances of making the top spot as Prospective Parliamentary Candidate? It is likely that he will top the bottom of the list for the selection committee.
With more notches on his bed post than ex-Prime Minister Horace Monsoon, a proven ability to divert public money to his own pet projects, questionable understanding of the Code of Conduct, dubious ability to understand the idea of a Conflict of Interest, and a reputation for bullying which rivals that of former Home Secretary, Petty Cowbell, it is believed that whilst Squire Teflon may tick all the right boxes on the Illiberal Party Selection Committee’s list, the panel are unlikely to have the appetite to become embroiled in a scandal before an election even takes place.
Should Squire Teflon achieve the position as prospective candidate then he is unlikely to actually win an election in such a strong Worker Party area anyway.
Verdict: No chance.