Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) BeFuddled Party has confirmed that copies of the New Improved BeFuddled English Dictionary will be distributed throughout schools in the area, with copies also available free of charge to residents.
The new dictionary is the result of a collaboration between ex-Councillor Fencesitter, SaD Headmistress and Mayor Cllr Kelsey Dullard, SaD Deputy Headmistress and Deputy Mayor Cllr Eugenie Perry and leader of the local BeFuddleds Cllr Banish Barracuda.
Cllr Barracuda said “We have noticed recently that some residents have been having trouble with the definitions of certain words and phrases. As you are aware, Education is very important to our Councillors and so we’ve been working very hard to help our residents understand some of the difficult technical words that we use when explaining Town Council business.
Amongst the new words singled out for definition in the new dictionary are:-
Agenda – a document which is legally required to be published at least five working days before a meeting is held. Not very important and can be ignored.
Climate Change – a phrase which can be quickly inserted into any debate that gets tricky in an attempt to derail the actual subject.
Constituents – nope. No idea. Anyone?
Consultants – a friend of a friend of a friend who may or may not know something about a subject.
Contract – a document which can be given to an individual or business by the Deputy Mayor without the need to discuss or divulge the contents to anyone else.
Decision – something which is best left to the Mayor or Deputy Mayor.
Democratic – following instruction from the Mayor or Deputy Mayor without question.
Discussion – listening quietly and without interruption to whatever the Mayor or Deputy Mayor say.
Electorate – see Constituents.
Engage with the Public – answer a question with false information and then refuse to respond further.
Environment – see Climate Change.
Honest – the art of telling lies which sound as if they could be plausible, but only in a parallel universe.
HR sub committee – a committee for which no agenda or minutes need to be published and which can be held totally in private without telling anyone it is happening.
Inclusion – leaving people and things out.
Listening – an ability to be able to look as if you are interested in hearing the opinions of residents, whilst actually reciting the alphabet backwards in your head.
Loony – alternative spelling of Looney. Both versions are acceptable.
Mandate – absolute power in every decision.
Minutes – a legal document which should give a true version of a meeting. Or not.
Open – closed.
Public Engagement – a meeting amongst BeFuddled Councillors and a few of our friends.
Respond to concerns – completely ignore.
Town Clerk – the person who takes the blame when it all goes wrong.
Transparent – opaque.
Vote – agreeing to do what ever the Mayor or Deputy Mayor says.
White Elephant Enclosure – the centre of the universe.
Working together – anything but.
Copies of the New Improved BeFuddled Dictionary are available from SaD Town Council office at the Hayloft Road Palace Retirement Home for Bemused and Bewildered BeFuddled Party ex-Teachers (and Others).