Latest Mayoral Address to the Nation. In Full. (Sorry)

Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council Headmistress and Mayor Councillor Kelsey Dullard issued her latest monologue to residents of Smalltown and Dullbridge at the start of the recent SaDTC Full Council Meeting.

Ignoring Councillors and residents who were fidgeting in their seats and clearly bored, Cllr Dullard said “Over the last two months I have been doing a lot of work outside of school hours talking about our Climate Rescue Action Plan (CRAP). I have met with the CEO OF Smalltown and Easton-under-Water Solar Energy to finalise our work to support residents with the reduction of their energy use.

The CEO (I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten her name, but it doesn’t really matter, because this is all about me) has now employed an Energy Advisory Officer who will give individual advice in the town. They are also working to establish Solar Energy Hubs in both Smalltown and Dullbridge, which will see every resident forced to install solar panels in their gardens and on their roofs.

I have also met with Mike Vauxhall from Somerset Community Recycling and Processing Partnership (SCRAPP) to explore way that we can work together to talk about the Sustainability agenda in our Climate Rescue Action Plan. The first thing we will be talking about is how to include actionable sustainability goals on our agenda, because we currently don’t have any idea what it means.

I also took part in a meeting with Last Bus to talk about the bus service at Dullbridge Train Station. I know that Squire Teflon is actually SaD Town Council’s Bus Champion and should be responsible for attending these meetings and giving councillors feedback, but I’ve taken it upon myself to do it for him.

I have also spoken to a member of ‘Path Ways’, a group who are collating a national list of paths and cycle routes. I am looking forward to finding out where any paths are in Smalltown and Dullbridge, because I haven’t lived here long enough to know. I know that Cllrs Barracuda and Leftcame are actually SaD Town Council representatives for oaths and cycleways and should be responsible for attending these meetings and giving councillors feedback, but I’ve taken it upon myself to do it for them.

I have also held a number of Secret Meetings with other organisations and people, where I have decided what SaD Town Council will be doing about a variety of matters concerning residents. However, these matters are on a ‘Need to Know’ basis and I don’t believe residents need to know the outcomes that I have agreed.

I have also been working to raise awareness of our Climate Rescue Action Plan (CRAP) locally. You may have seen my photo in the local papers as I enjoyed a lovely cup of tea at a recent Outer Wheel meeting, took part in a Beach Clean with my friend, Prue Weeds, and also delivered a sermon to churches within our area.

I addressed a school assembly at Queen Ethelred’s. Schools have an important part to play in our CRAP and it was lovely to start the conversation with such a dynamic and interesting group of lovely young people. Schoolchildren are our lovely future and education is very important.

Sadly, our lovely local Youth Groups were unable to elect any representatives onto our Youth Town Council, with most of the groups explaining that their youths have better things to do with their time. This means that our first YTC will be formed by lovely students at Queen Ethelred’s who will be press ganged into joining, but we will open up to the community groups every year and insist that they provide representatives in the future. Schoolchildren are our lovely future and education is very important

I have been pleased to expand my knowledge of the town by visiting several places that I didn’t know existed, and which serve lovely cups of tea. These included a number of care homes where I was able to pick up more tips which I hope will help with running our own Hayloft Road Palace Retirement Home for Bemused and Bewildered BeFuddled Party ex-Teachers (and Others).

I am sure that the lovely residents of Smalltown are aware that these places exist, but I had no idea. I didn’t bother visiting Dullbridge.

I was pleased to support our local Spinning Club at the District Final of Young Knitter. It was lovely to see the young people showing their brilliant skills and knowledge. It was lovely to see the local schools taking part in this special event. Schoolchildren are our lovely future and education is very important.

And finally, I went to watch a Dullbridge School of Dance perform at the McCartney Theatre in Fridgpond. I believe the School of Dance has a name, but I have no idea what it is. It is wonderful that we have such lovely talent in our towns. And I don’t just mean mine.

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