Squire Teflon reveals ‘kills’

Writing in his newly-published autobiography ‘Chair‘ Squire Teflon has revealed his deep seated animosity for his rivals and the lengths he will go to to achieve success.

“I’ve taken down loads of BeFuddleds in my time and even some members of my own Illiberal Party. Must have been about 25 of them. It’s a statistic that fills me with pride, nothing I’ve done has ever made me feel ashamed.

I don’t look on them as people – they are the enemy. It’s easy, like taking chess pieces from a board. Most of them haven’t even realised it’s happening, especially the BeFuddleds. What a bunch of village idiots they are.

The Squire also details how he has managed to keep securing ever-increasing sums of money for the White Elephant Enclosure, writing “I’m positive that I successfully managed to brainwash members of the White Elephant Enclosure Mismanagement Committee. With enormous help from the Smalltown Culture and Arts Manager (SCAM) and her reports, we successfully managed to convince everyone that the WEE is a roaring success, despite the financial statements showing the opposite is true.

That ex-Councillor Fencesitter for example – he still has absolutely no idea that he’s been brainwashed and is a paid up member of my ‘WEE is a success cult’. Even now, when these more transparent figures have been published, which show the WEE is in a really bad way, he continues to defend the WEE as great value for money.

However, the Squire saves his harshest criticism for the man he calls his ‘arch-nemesis‘, Smalltown’s Most Popular Person Councillor Jock McCads.

“He calls himself ‘The People’s Popular Person’ now. That used to be my title. If people knew the real McCads they wouldn’t have voted for him in their droves. For example, did you know he carries an old Teddy bear around with him? Everywhere he goes, Teddy goes too.

It’s a pitiful object, with broken arms and dangly threads. It looks, I imagine, like McCads might, after I’ve met him in a dark alley.

You have to keep an eye open when you visit Hayloft Road Palace too. McCads likes to practise his daily gymnastic routines in the Council Chamber. You’ll frequently find him performing hand stands in there, wearing only his tighty-whiteys.

Staff and Councillors might blunder in as he’s doing his handstands, if you set one little finger on the knob you’ll hear him begging “No! No! Please God don’t open”.

After the election vote count, which revealed that McCads had secured more votes than Squire Teflon in both the Smalltown and Dullbridge Town and All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council elections, the Squire details what happened next. “Normally, it’s customary to congratulate each other on the results, but he didn’t give me a hug. He ignored me totally.

I’ve heard that he’s not great at showing emotion, but I’ve seen him acting on the stage at the White Elephant Enclosure and I know he’s fully capable of acting out a huge range of emotions, but he couldn’t even manage a handshake.

Not that I wanted to shake his hand and congratulate him. In fact I turned my back on him the minute the result was announced.

Huge piles of unsold copies of ‘Chair‘ can be found in G.W.Hurlings and Mistress Bones Newspaper and Tat Emporium.

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