Squire speaks about ‘car crash’ in new book

Squire Teflon has opened up about the car crash that saw him lose his chairs.
Before the election I had loads of chairs. More chairs than I knew what to do with. Then, in one fail swoop, I lost practically all of them.

The election was a complete car crash for me, as I watched the BeFuddled Party take control of both Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council and the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council.

I still remember waking up on that fateful May day to find Mistress Bones sat on my bed, with her hand on my… knee.

My darling Squire” she said “Your chairs. They’ve all gone. I’m so sorry.

“I didn’t cry then, but I’ve cried every night since.”

Elsewhere in the book Squire Teflon admits that for some time he refused to believe that he had lost his chairs. “I would turn up for meetings at the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council still wearing my Vice Chair (and acting Chair) chains of office. Other councillors would laugh at me and I didn’t really understand why. Those chains should have commanded respect but instead people were mocking me openly.

It took me a few months to realise that the chains I was wearing were fake. Mistress Bones, knowing how upset I was at my loss, had fashioned a replacement set from some string and old milk bottle tops. I still wear them now, but only in the bedroom.

Squire Teflon also reveals that he sought help from Smalltown psychic Mystic Mick to speak to his chairs from beyond the grave. Mystic was able to prove that he was talking to the chairs by telling the Squire “everyone is giggling at you behind your back.”

The Squire recounts the encounter “My election literature contained a lot of references to all my chairs and how proud I was to have them. Naturally I assumed they were mine to keep, so what happened next was weird. Everywhere I went I could hear laughter behind me and I didn’t understand it.

It all became clear when I consulted Mick. As i sat down with him I could feel that he had an energy around him and he felt the same as me too, telling me that “You have a chair with you – right now. Can you feel it?”

Of course, no one could have predicted that after the election I would lose all my chairs, although Mystic Mick said it was written in the stars. He told me that my chairs had always done their very best to support me and that our future is unwritten. Who knows? One day my chairs may come back.

Join SomersetClive tomorrow as we detail more revelations from Squire Teflon’s new book ‘Chair’, available from G.W. Hurlings or Mistress Bones’ Newspaper and Tat Emporium.

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