A Winter War – LIVE

As the most eagerly-anticipated day in the Smalltown event calendar dawns (Ed – isn’t that Carnivoo?
No, Sir, we don’t mention Carnivoo nowadays after the recent hoohah surrounding the banning of a Carnivoo entry which saw the event besmirch the name of Smalltown in the eyes of the world.
Ed – Ah yes, as you were.)

As the most eagerly-anticipated day in the Smalltown event calendar dawns, join SomersetClive’s Steven C Gull as he brings you all the latest from today’s Smalltown Chamber of Trade (SCOT) George Street ‘We’ve Got Actual Real Reindeer and Father Christmas event’ and the Smalltown Shops (SS) Main Street Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) ‘Town Council Paid For Our Christmas Tree Winter War and incredible, amazing, all my own idea Lantern Parade event’ .

Steve will be updating this post throughout the day to bring you the best of the action. (Keep a lookout for Steve – he will be constantly consulting his notepad trying to find out what’s on where and where he needs to be to ensure he doesn’t miss any of the ‘fun’.

08.00 hrs
And the first of the trenches has gone in at the junction of George Street and Main Street.
A SCOT spokesman said “Although this event is supposed to be jointly organised between ourselves and Squire Teflon, Mistress Bones and Lady Brassy’s Smalltown Shops (SS) it was agreed that it wouldn’t be and we are laying out the demarcation zone between the two events.

Meanwhile, several readers contacted the SomersetClive office yesterday afternoon to complain that the massed drummers were making a terrible racket practising prior to opening the event this morning.

However, when we went to investigate we found Squire Teflon, Mistress Bones and Lady Brassy of Easton-under-Water gathered on the former site of the World Record Beating Olympic Sized Ice Rink. All three were stamping their feet in unison with Squire Teflon shouting “I’m a Councillor, get me a tree.”

The tree eventually appeared late last night and was erected undercover of darkness.

10.33am The Festive Shattering of the Peace with the sounds of 194 massed Drummers saw hordes of residents crowd into Jetty Street wearing slippers and dressing gowns and angrily demanding to know who woke them up so early.

10.34am  Magician Squire Daniels enthralled six people and a dog as he demonstrated how to deftly persuade everyone that diverting Town Council money into an event organised by your employer and sleeping partner most definitely isn’t a Conflict of Interest.

11.17am The first punch up between members of the Smalltown Chamber of Trade (SCOT) and the Smalltown Shops (SS) resulted in a win for SCOT after Squire Teflon failed to return from his wee at the White Elephant Enclosure (WEE) in time to join the fracas.

Explaining his absence Squire Teflon said “I didn’t realise that the WEE was closed today – on what could be the busiest day in the Smalltown Calendar – which really shows poor planning on the part of the Smalltown Culture and Arts Manager (SCAM) and the WEE Management Committee

11.56am Several children were seen emerging from Mistress Bones Newspaper and Tat Emporium in tears, after being subjected to Squire Santamas Story Time. Several parents told SomersetClive “It was awful. They were trying to indoctrinate the children by pretending it was just a simple story. It wasn’t. The whole thing was a ploy to sell Santa sacks and plastic tat to our kids.

The so-called ‘story’ featured two Hedgehogs, who were obviously shopkeepers, encouraging the little hedgehogs to get their parents to spend money in The Hedgehog Tat and Newspaper Shop.

A thinly veiled attempt to corrupt our children. “9

12noon-12.03pm Ice Queen and Deputy Mayor Cllr Eugenie Sherry walked from one end of Main Street to the other, without breaking into a smile.

12.15pm Magician Squire Daniels conjured up one of his favourite tricks – sneaking up behind unsuspecting women and undoing their bras with only one hand.

12.40pm The dozen or do people who were being entertained by watching stallholders battle with their gazebos in the strong winds, scattered as Deputy Mayor Cllr Patsy Knickers, cunningly disguised as a Christmas Climate Change Carnage Living Tree, walked amongst them shouting her festive message “See this hurricane? That’s climate change that is. Mark my words – the end of the world is nigh.”

12.45pm The Hurricane and Monsoon conditions have played havoc with the high flying trapeze artists aerial display. With several of the strings of lights in School Street being ripped from their fixings. Readers are advised to avoid the area due to the large number of live electrical wires which are now resting in puddles.

1.20pm If anyone has seen Master Frederick Hosegood (aged 3), who was last seen heading over the rooftops towards the direction of Kidlington Street, after the aerial workshop went hideously wrong, then they are asked to contact the organisers.

1.23pm Your trusty reporter has now left Main Street, navigated a path around the barricades and entered George Street where the Smalltown Chamber of Trade event is now OPEN, featuring Disneyland on Tour, Alton Towers on Tour and Thorpe Park  on Tour. The noise from the generators is horrendous, so ear defenders are recommended.

1.25pm  SCOT have won the second round of the Punch Up, with a member of SCOT responding to Lady Sassy’s claim that she “invented Christmas in Smalltown”  by telling her “Why don’t you just s*d off back to Easton-under-Water? We had plenty of wonderful Christmas Lights Switch On events before you came here. And we’ll have plenty more when you’ve gone.”

1.30pm  Your trusty reporter is now sheltering in the Luxurious Cinema and Conference Centre outside the George Hotel, from where I have a perfect view of the stage, performers and a pint of mulled cider.

Magician Squire Teflon failed to show up for his performance in Main Street, but has been spotted loitering beside the stage steps and telling security “It’s alright, I’m not a stalker, I just need to strip search the dancers from the Moulin Rouge.”

2.10 pm Leader of Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council, Cllr Banish Barracuda has turned up outside the George Hotel after his Whisper Fairy walkabout in Main Street. He’s looking even wetter than normal and is complaining that “Nobody shared their wishes with me, because they don’t know who I am. Even after I explained that I’m the leader of the local BeFuddled Party, they still said they had no idea”

2. 30pm I’ve left the comfort of the George Hotel Luxurious Cinema and Conference Centre and made my way back to Main Street, just in time to catch the end of The Great Christmas Circus performance. Members of the troupe have been busy encouraging residents to visit the Red Ruby Out of Town Shopping Mall Experience, (and Garden Centre), where a wide range of products can be purchased, parking is free and “It’s all under one roof, so you won’t get wet”.

Which is more than I can say about Smalltown today. I’m soaked to the skin and some of the stallholders have already packed up and gone home. I may need to do the same, it’s really miserable here.

3.00pm I’m back outside the George and things are hotting up nicely here. A few minutes ago Father Christmas arrived by personal jetpack. He’s currently surrounded by dozens of children and is handing out FREE gifts at The Grotty.

He’s definitely more popular than Squire Santamas.

Only another three hours of this to go.

3.32pm. The Reindeer have arrived and are in a pen in George Street. They look even wetter than Cllr. Barracuda and as miserable as me.

More mulled cider and a Mince pie in the George and time for a reflection on last year’s Great Mince Pie Giveaway.
Happier times. Simpler times. How we laughed.

Most of the cafes in Smalltown have closed now, so the queue at the bar in the George is six deep.

Hopefully the ringing tills will cover the cost of the Landlord having to purchase his own tree, which stands in the same spot that the Town Christmas Tree has occupied since 1763. Before Mistress Bones stamped her foot and, via her close-friend and employee Squire Teflon’s position on SaD Town Council, had it moved to Jetty Street.

3.47pm Squire Teflon, Mistress Bones and Lady Brassy have abandoned their ‘ Winter War’ event and appeared in George Street to see how the SCOT event is going. They don’t look too happy. The queue to see Father Christmas is almost as long as the one at the bar in the George.

Meanwhile Main Street is completely devoid of crowds, stall holders and entertainers, with only a handful of shopkeepers hiding behind shop doors as they survey the trail of town and tattered gazebos which are strewn across the roads.

Mistress Bones looks incredibly angry and is directing her ire towards the Squire, telling him that next year SCOT shouldn’t be allowed any money and George Street shouldn’t even be allowed the measly six strings of lights they’ve had this year

It looks as if the Final Punch Up of the day will take place solely between the members of the SS.

4.00pm Cllrs Eugenie Sherry and Patsy Knickers have made one last foray along the now deserted Main Street shouting “Cost of Living Crisis“‘ “Climate Change Armageddon” and “Waste of Money“.

Unfortunately there is no one around to listen, so the pair have now superglued themselves to the road to continue their protest.

4.30pm The Dismal Duo have been joined by Whisper Fairy Cllr Barracuda who has been trying to persuade them to unstick themselves because “The road will reopen in a couple of hours, and you are going to make people really rather cross. This won’t do. We are BeFuddleds and everyone loves us. We mustn’t upset people. Remember what ex-Councillor Fencesitter told us?

‘Don’t rock the boat full of apples in the cart. Never make a decision and stick firmly in the middle of the road.’.”

Cllr Sherry pointed out that they were stuck firmly in the middle of the road

5.45pm The Rolling Stones took to the stage earlier to perform a medley of their hits, including ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction’ which was dedicated to Mistress Bones, ‘No Sympathy for the Devil’ dedicated to Squire Teflon, ‘Get off of Our Town’ , dedicated to Lady Brassy, and ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ which was dedicated to all three of the aforementioned SS members.

I’ve been steadily drinking mulled cider for the last hour.

Only a few minutes to wait now.
Today has easily been the longest day of my life

6.20pm. Since when have we had identical twins for a Mayor? I thought there was only one Headmistress of Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council? And two Town Shouters as well. Most pwkulier. I mean pwquileeer. No, peequiller. I give up. Most odd.

Explains how she manages to drink so much tea though.

Anyhoo. The lights are on. All 3,782 of them. Lights. Lights. Lights. All over the place. Except here in George Street..

A couple of kids clutching soggy paper lanterns have headed off to the Squire and Bones tree, takung part in Lady Brassy of Easton-under-Water’s ‘All my own idea and not something I’ve copied from somewhere else and passed off as my own original thinking because I’m a very, very, very, important person Pantern Larade.

However, the crowd of people who found themselves caught up in the Panter Laraden were merely trying to make their way from George Street, where they had gathered in their masses to see the Light Switch On, to the S&M carp ark.

Thats iit. The entertainers have stopped entertaining each other in the absence of a real audience. Nothing more to see. Not that there really was that much to see in the first place. That’s eight hours of my life I’m never getting back.

So I’m going to have one more pint of Milled Spider and then I’m going hime

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