The full schedule for the Smalltown Chamber of Trade (SCOT) and Smalltown Shops (SS) joint, yet entirely separate, Christmas Lights Switch On and Winter War event has been released. And boy, is it full. I mean, it just goes on and on and on and…
For SomersetClive readers with an hour or two to spare, then this a full run down on what to expect this weekend.
10.30am Wake up early and enjoy the Festive Shattering of the Peace with the sounds of 194 massed Drummers – Jetty Street
10.30am Join Magician Squire Daniels as he demonstrates how to make money in a Town Council bank account magically disappear – Main Street
10.57am Squire Teflon goes for a wee – Jetty Street
11.15am Punch Up between members of Smalltown Chamber of Trade and Smalltown Shops (SS) group – Main Street
11.45am Storytime with Squire Santamas – Mistress Bones Newspaper and Tat Emporium – Jetty Street
12noon Deputy Mayor Cllr Eugenie Sherry Ice Queen Walkabout
12.15pm Magician Squire Daniels demonstrates how to make women vanish, before Mistress Bones catches them in his bedroom – Main Street
12.30pm Deputy Mayor Cllr Patsy Knickers Christmas Climate Change Carnage Living Tree – Main Street
12.30pm The Trapeze artists from last year’s event are back, once again swinging about on the Christmas lights strung across Main Street
12.40pm to 1.10pm Aerial workshop – Learn to Swing. With a special appearance from Squire Teflon, King of the Swingers.
12.45pm Fiery Temper – Squire Teflon kicks off at a resident who asks “What happened to the Smalltown Ice Rink?” – at the bar in the Sad and Desperate
1.00pm Disneyland on Tour opens in George Street plus Alton Towers on Tour, Thorpe Park on Tour and lots more!
1.00pm Punch Up – a second bout between SCOT and the SS after Lady Brassy of Easton-under-Water claims “I invented Christmas in Smalltown” – Main Street
1.05pm Westminster Choir sing on the stage in George Street.
1.15pm Magician Squire Daniels will be out and about again, this time performing sleight of hand tricks designed to hide his connections to the SS group when obtaining grant funding from the Town Council for the SS – Main Street
1.27pm Lady Brassy has a festive stuffing sandwich – Main Street
1.35pm Dancers from the Moulin Rouge – George Street stage
1.30pm Leader of Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council, Cllr Banish Barracuda wanders Main Street dressed as the Whisper Fairy. Residents are invited to tell him their wishes for the White Elephant Enclosure.
2pm Punch Up between members of SCOT and the SS after Lady Brassy of the SS overhears members of SCOT congratulating each other on the success of their event and calling the SS event “Very poor” – Main Street G. W. Hurlings
2pm Cllr Eugenie Sherry adopts her normal frozen smile to walk Main Street as the Ice Queen again.
2pm The Great Christmas Circus – a special appearance by the Circus who will be appearing at Red Ruby Out of Town Shopping Mall Experience and Garden Centre, handing out literature to advise residents to do their Christmas Shopping at Red Ruby because ‘they sell everything there and parking is free‘ – Main Street
2.05pm Dame Shirley Bassey sings on George Street stage.
2.30pm Cllr Patsy Knickers once again puts on her Climate Change Christmas Tree costume and spreads her festive message of doom and gloom – Main Street
2.35pm Kylie Minogue sings on George Street stage
3.00 A totally different Father Christmas arrives by personal jetpack in George Street. FREE Gifts for Children AND Reindeer. – George Street Grotty
3pm OMG. Is this nearly over now? My fingers hurt from all this typing.
3.15pm to 3.45pm Seriously. I can’t take much more. I need a break.
3.15 Join the Band Aid Singers on the George Street stage, for a rousing rendition of ‘Do they know it’s Christmas Time in Dullbridge’.
3.15pm Final Punch Up of the day as members of SCOT taunt the SS’s Lady Brassy with cries of “We’ve got Reindeer. You haven’t. Ya boo.” – Main Street G. W. Hurlings
3.15pm Magician Squire Daniels is back and this time his tricks will include more of his famous vanishing acts, watch in awe as he makes an Ice Rink and complaints about his behaviour to Sadgebore District Council Standards Board magically disappear. – Main Street
3.15pm Cllrs Eugenie Sherry and Patsy Knickers grumble their way along Main Street shouting ‘Cost of Living Crisis’, ‘Climate Change Armageddon’ and ‘Waste of Money’
3.30pm Cllr Barracuda, in his Whisper Fairy costume, attempts to balance on a fence, as Squire Teflon throws rocks from one side and Cllrs Sherry and Knickers hurl bricks from the other. Barracuda whispers “I wish you’d all be nice to me.“
3.44pm Squire Teflon and Mistress Bones pop into the store room for a ‘quickie’ – The Newspaper and Tat Emporium – Jetty Street
3.45pm Fiery Temper – Squire Teflon attempts to provoke a reaction from Cllr Barracuda in Main Street
3.50 Royal Philharmonic Orchestra perform popular Christmas tunes on George Street stage
4.00pm Christmas Pudding Mistress Bones emerges from her Tat Emporium to roll down Main Street, checking how well the event is going.
4.20 Cambridge Trinity College Choir Sing on George Street stage
4.40 Amy Winehouse sings popular Christmas music on George Street stage
4.45pm Fire Eating. A member of the Red Ruby Circus Troupe sets fire to the huge pile of leftover ‘A Winter War’ leaflets and attempts to eat them all.
5.00pm Rolling Stones perform on the George Street stage
5.37pm BeFuddled Party Town Councillors gather near the stage and ask one another if anyone knows what is happening, because it’s all very confusing – George Street
5.50pm They think it’s all over – Countdown to The Christmas Lights Switch On – George Street stage
6pm It is now – The Smalltown Christmas Lights Switch On with Mr and Mrs Bashful of Smalltown Foodbank (who are probably wondering how many people’s Christmases could have been enhanced with a festive food parcel paid for by half the amount this event has cost), plus Headmistress and Mayor, Kelsey Dullard and the Town Crier share a lovely cup of tea on the George Street stage
6.01pm Zzzzzzz – some one who didn’t get very far in the Zero Factor – sings on George Street stage
6.10pm Lady Brassy’s All-My-Idea Lantern Parade to the car parks.
6.15pm The White Elephants are released from their Enclosure to join the parade.
6.30pm If any one is still around or interested then there will be a final opportunity to sing carols in front of Squire Teflon and Mistress Bones Alternative Christmas Tree, on the site that was once home to their famous World Record Beating Ice Rink in Jetty Street
For any readers who don’t have the time to read this in full then SomersetClive can confirm that the Christmas Lights in Smalltown will be switched on at 6pm.