Smalltown makes the headlines

Smalltown has featured heavily in national newspapers, and on television and radio channels in the last few days, with particular attention paid to the outdated attitude displayed by the town to members of the LGBT community.

SomersetClive has been taking a look at the headlines and the stories which have put us at the forefront of the nation’s psyche.

The Daily Fail led with ‘Pitchforks at the Ready!’, claiming that residents of Smalltown were preparing to drive all members of the LGBT community out of town because they don’t want those people here. An opinion shared by commentators on the site.

The Daily Sexpest covered the breaking news that ‘Press and Publicity Manager to be offered advice on Writing Apologies’ and featured an interview with Bill Old in which he claimed that he “didn’t say the things I’ve been accused of saying. I asked our Committee Secretary to write my words down in a letter.”

Going off on a tangent The Independence Day carried the headline ‘Man Digging Hole to Australia‘, which details the attempt by the DASCC Chairman to dig the biggest hole in the world. The paper confirmed that Mr Old is already ‘halfway to Australia’.

The Financial Daily headline ‘Smalltown Carpet and Broom Salesman Sell Out.” made reference to the economic boom in Smalltown after it emerged that the Dullbridge and Smalltown Carnival Committee had purchased all the brooms and carpets in Smalltown in order to cover up their error.

Meanwhile, The Torygraph concentrated on the news that Dullbridge residents have asked for their town to be unlinked from Carnivoo as they believe it puts them in a bad light. A resident of Dullbridge is quoted as saying “We have written to the Dullbridge and Smalltown Carnivoo Committee, requesting that they change their name to ‘Smalltown Carnivoo Committee’. The Carnivoo hasn’t been anywhere near Dullbridge in years and we don’t want our town linked with negative thoughts around the LGBT community.”

The Custodian headlines confirm ‘Woke Snowflakes Look Away Now’ detailed how residents of Smalltown were dinosaurs and that the spirit of 1972 was alive and kicking in the town. Readers were further advised to avoid the town as the local supermarkets don’t stock Tofu.

The Daily Reflection led with the news ‘Chairman issues non-apology‘ and claimed that the Committee believes that no action needs to be taken to resolve the issues.

Meanwhile, The Scum had a simple headline ‘We Love Lesbians‘ and the least said about the accompanying story the better.

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