Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Councillor Banish Barracuda has appealed to SomersetClive readers to help him identify the mysterious mess which has washed up on Smalltown beach.
Sharing a photograph with us, Cllr Barracuda said “I’m wondering if any of your readers can help me identify this substance which has washed up all over the beach.
Don’t tell the visitors, but it looks very much like horse or sheep poo. Does anyone have any idea how it could have got here? There is too much to be just from horses being ridden on the beach and in any case no footprints hence I’m wondering if it has washed over from Wales or something. Any better ideas?”
Unfortunately, Cllr Barracuda didn’t include a banana in the photograph, so it is difficult to assess the size of the problem, but we showed the photograph to world renowned leading expert and Smalltown Head of Identifying Turds (SHIT), Professor Sue Age who said “It’s difficult to identify from this single photograph, but I can fully understand why Cllr Barracuda thought it had come from a species of herbivore as it has the shape and substance of such.
At first glance I thought the same, however, having examined the photo in detail, I am confident that we can rule out both sheep and horses as being the culprit.
I can also confirm that it will not have washed up from Wales. The motion of the waves would have broken it up and dispersed it in the channel long before it reached Smalltown, so I don’t think it has travelled that far.
To me, this looks far more as if it has come from a much larger animal and I would suggest that the source is much closer to home. After extensive research I am delighted to be able to confirm that this is elephant dung, which can only have come from one place – The White Elephant Enclosure.
I strongly suspect that either the Smalltown Culture and Arts Manager (SCAM), or a Councillor connected to the establishment, has taken steps to dispose of some of the shit which emanates in vast quantities from the WEE on a daily basis and has dumped it on the beach in the hope that the tide would wash it away.”
SomersetClive attempted to contact the SCAM for comment but were told that she was very busy trying to polish turds.