The planets Mars Bar and Saturday are still exerting their influence this week, although Mars Bar is looking a bit depleted after a shortage of chocolate was noticed in Asdal, but it’s not all doom and gloom – Saturday is getting closer.
Aryan – You’re in for a big disappointment this week when you discover that your paperboy is off sick and you have to collect your own copies of the Daily Fail from the newsagent. I’d complain bitterly if I were you.
Tourist – Booking a week at HM Prison Camp Don’tins Bream is never a good idea, as you are about to find out for yourself. Don’t you ever look at DripAdvisor? 94, 000 negative reviews should give you a hint.
Twinpeaks – Your split personality causes big problems this week as the planet Saturday exerts its influence on your evil twin. Your good side will need to fight back and try to resist the urge to kick a cat.
Crabs – Have you ever wondered what it’s like to get out of bed on the wrong side? Admittedly sudden change isn’t for everyone, but I think you should give it a try, you never know – it may prove to be the change you’ve been looking for.
Lions – Your home made paper bunting looked spectacular until the heavens opened and it rained. Never mind, your recycling box is going to look very patriotic next week.
Vestal Virgins – Just because those Squires have swapped clutching a box of chocolates for a first aid kit it doesn’t mean that they have a caring side. You have a very rare commodity, which the Squires are desperate to get their hands on. Wear three pairs of knickers at all times.
Librarians – Take advantage of the last bit of fight left in the planet Mars Bar and spend some time writing threatening letters to those people who have racked up extensive fines on their overdue books. Now is not the time to be meek and mild.
Scorekeeper – It’s shaping up to be a busy few weeks ahead for you, with cricket matches in full swing. Don’t forget to take some time out to watch the World Mug football qualifiers will you? It’s easy to lose track of time on the cricket field.
Sagaman – You know when you’re out with a group of friends having a good old chin-wag and you suddenly notice that their faces have a fixed expression and their eyes are glazing over? That’s an indication that it’s time for you to stop dominating the conversation.
Capripants – It may be Pride Month but those shorts are really far too short and much too tight. You’ll have someone’s eye out if you’re not careful.
Aquaman – Don’t say I didn’t warn you. I said things weren’t looking bright for your co-star. Distance yourself before you end up joining her on the cutting room floor.
Pistachio – The last month has been very tough for you, acronym-wise. What with all the UTIs and STDs. I’m pleased to tell you they good news is on the way, when you confound medical science with your latest ailment. Exactly what is that strange rash that is spreading across your nether regions and causing your nuts to rust?