Horrorscopes with Mystic Mick

SomersetClive’s favourite guru is back with some insights on the week ahead.

An unusual celestial event occurring this week could well have serious astrological consequences. The Planet Parade will see four planets – Juniper, Penis, Marsbar and Saturday – visible in the skies above. This is likely to have some sort of effect on everyone, the outcome of which is difficult to predict with any accuracy.

Aryan – Try to be more understanding with those around you. Sometimes you get it very wrong – Nigel Farage really isn’t ‘great’.

Tourist – You may find yourself inexplicably drawn towards a holiday in Skegness. An offer through your letter box gives bargain prices for an inclusive stay and travel by coach to this upcoming destination. Try it, you may like it.

Twinpeaks – One side of your personality is going to receive some good news. The other side isn’t

Crabs – Last week’s rising moon in Aquaman is now on the wane. You should think about getting out of bed and facing the world again.

Lions – Those you love and cherish may well forgive you for their lack of Easter Eggs the other week.

Vestal Virgins – I did try to warn you about accepting gifts from Squires. It may only be a box of Chocolate Fingers through your letter box this week, but things will escalate.

Librarians – The Planet Parade, led by Juniper, means that this will be a great time for you to start chasing up all the fines on overdue books, especially if you partake of a G&T while you do it.

Scorekeeper – All these planets aligning in the sky will bring you great power. Have you considered putting in a bid for Chelsea Bun Football Club? It could be favourably received.

Sagaman – The long running dispute between yourself and Mrs Higginbottom at Number 94, over her cat trespassing in your garden, could well see an outcome this week.

Capripants – I may have been a bit premature last week, when I suggested you put your shorts on. The weather has turned cold again and you’ll find it a bit nippy around your nether-regions.

Aquaman – Another busy week ahead as you decide to polish your trident, only to find that you’re out of Silvo.

Pistachio – The prominent planet Penis in the night sky could see you struggling with impotence problems this week. Coming so soon after your UTI the other week this will make you feel that life is a little unfair.

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