Buyers are amazed by these aspirational retirement apartments and you won’t believe why

A new development of bespoke aspirational custom-built aspirational retirement apartments with bespoke fittings (Ed: that’s enough superlatives) is wowing astonished buyers thanks to the quality of the bespoke, artisanal (Ed: what did I say?) Serbian fitted kitchens and bathrooms with tiles and occasionally floors.

Temptingly priced at £940,000, we are featuring these apartments because of their quality, hand built individually crafted interiors and not because we are hoping to get some advertising.

The apartments, carefully constructed from high-quality organic breezeblocks and warped pine are being snapped up (Ed: have any been sold, please check) by eager buyers. Built on land previously occupied by a former chemical works which the developers paid 94p for, planners missed the fact that the three storey building has four floors, enabling the developers to gouge even more money out of the site. It now glowers like an office building of a minor insurance company over the surrounding neighbourhood.

Eager would-be buyers Sid and Doris Bonkers said: “We can’t wait to move into our apartment. It’s the same size as the bedsit Sid lived in when he was 19 in Toytown, and with the kitchen in the living room too we’ll be able to relive our youth. We have aspirations to spaff all our savings on this jerry-built shoebox, which will deny our selfish children the inheritance they’ve been expecting. Serve’s them right for forgetting Doris’s birthday. We definitely can wait to welcome them to the communal lounge so they can see just where the money’s gone.”

The couple’s daughter Sarah Bonkers spat, playfully: “The bastards. When the old witch shuffles off we’ll be left with a flat we can’t sell for years, and won’t even be able to move my hopeless daughter Tallulah into.”

Major Bryan Fakerank (67) has put his name down for a single-bedroomed apartment in the attic: “Looks ideal for me. Once I’ve squired the ladies round the four-foot square landscaped gardens and got my Viagra prescription I’ll be ploughing through them like a Range Rover Evoque going the wrong way down George Street. Now that’s what I call aspirational.”

Terry Impecunious (58) has also enquired about the bespoke artisanal etc apartments: “I have aspirations to get a pension one day, does that count? I see there’s a scooter park, so at least I’ll have somewhere to park my Vespa. And there’s a handy pick spot on the street opposite where I’m told I can get some purple hearts.”

The amazing bespoke development will be launched with a party in the communal lounge with music from a Vera Lynn tribute, because obviously every retiree loves Vera Lynn and the War. Proposals for a further event, featuring Adam and the Ants and Nirvana tribute acts which were also in the works given the new owners will be of about that age, have been rejected.
Fucher’s Folly is in George Street, Smalltown and there is no car parking because of reasons. The developers anticipate there are plenty of suckers, erm, customers for the bespoke flats (That’s enough bespoking, Ed).

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