The Right Horrible Missing Person for Smalltown and Dullbridge, Tim Teepee popped up on TV today to provide a ‘human shield’ for his even more horrible master, Horis Monsoon. “It’s just like Desert Storm!” giggled a clearly excited Teepee to the representative from Spy News, “except less sandy and with someone giving me the orders“
Teepee went on to give a highly romanticised window into the day in the life of the man at the top, depicting him dashing heroically from meeting to meeting, stopping only to take an urgent call from Voldemort Puketin, supreme leader of the country formerly known as ‘all the bits east of Poland’. The blonde bombshell would then be whisked to the Houses of Parliament to give a verbose and misleading account of his deeds, before accidentally straying into an illegal rave and inadvertently not leaving for 25 minutes.
Teepee pledged his unwavering support for Monsoon, saying that “I’ve crawled so far up his read end, our fates are now entwined inextricably. There’s no way enough people will write letters to Sir Graham Will-Fixit saying they’re angry with Horris“. He then reminded Spy News that he was off to Westminster for a day of ‘political bloodletting‘, which we presume means a tour of the local pop-up vaccine clinic in full-dress PPE.
Squire Teflon, chairman, high-priest and supreme overlord of the local Illiberal Party was unavailable for comment, as he was desperately trying to work out how to back all of the potential horses in any upcoming leadership race.