High Drama in Smalltown

Police were called to the Kidlington Street area of Smalltown yesterday afternoon , following reports that a man was clambering around rooftops and throwing objects to the ground.

Members of the public were advised to avoid the area due to the high risk to life and limb in the event of being struck by a falling missile, with the road being closed to traffic and residents advised not to leave their homes.

An eyewitness said “He looks to have gone up there prepared for a long stay. He’s kitted out with a bag of some sort and has been up there throwing what seems to be newspapers and empty whisky bottles down on to the street below.”

A second eyewitness said “I heard him shouting something like ‘I’m sick of delivering these papers. I’m worth more than this. I used to be a chair.’, which doesn’t really make any sense.”

A large crowd of people gathered to watch proceedings, with some claiming that there were more people in Kidlington Street than has ever been seen in the White Elephant Enclosure.

A bystander told your reporter that the man had also been spotted cutting television aerial cables, and commented “It’s very strange why would someone do that?”

Someone told me that it’s Squire Teflon on a job creation mission, but I don’t understand why an ex-photocopier salesman would expect to be able to make money repairing TV aerials?”

As the drama continued into the night residents of nearby properties were evacuated from their homes, with most of the crowd getting bored and drifting away.

Having run out of newspapers and being unable to reach any further aerial cables the man eventually left the rooftop and was taken into custody by police.

SomersetClive attempted to contact well-known Kidlington Street resident Squire Teflon for comment, but he wasn’t home at the time.