WARNING – READERS OF A NERVOUS DISPOSITION SHOULD LOOK AWAY NOW.
It was my turn to read the SomersetClive office copy of Squire Teflon’s new book ‘Chair‘ last night and I rather wish I hadn’t
In the latest revelations about life on the campaign election trail the Squire has hit out yet again at Jock McCads and the BeFuddleds, this time claiming that their stereotyping Mistress Bones as a shopkeeper meant she wasn’t welcomed as a candidate by the electorate.
“I don’t think they were ever expecting me to become embroiled in an extra-marital affair with a shopkeeper. It caused a barrier, I mean, you know… shopkeeper, in a long term relationship, I was married at the time, there’s all different parts to that and what it means.
I mean, we had to conduct our meetings in secret because I didn’t want it to become public knowledge that I was sleeping with the person that I’d persuaded my fellow councillors to give a huge grant to for her World-record beating Olympic-Sized Ice Rink.
It was imperative that neither the Illiberal Party candidate selection committee nor the electorate were aware of our secret relationship, and so both of us had to pretend that our relationship was conducted strictly on a ‘working’ basis. It helped a lot when Mistress Bones employed me as a newspaper delivery boy in her shop, because that gave us cover but it was a very difficult time for both of us. “
Elsewhere in the book Teflon shares steamy details of a late night encounter with Mistress Bones as he recounts the very passionate way they reunited after he returned to Smalltown from a Sadgebore District Council meeting.
“I was late back from Fridgpond because Cllr. McGoat had wanted a word with me about my chair – it was becoming unstable after an unfortunate incident during the Fridgpond Christmas Light Switch On, when the lights cane on before I hit the plunger and everyone was talking about my premature illumination and laughing at me.
On the drive back from Fridgpond I received a text message from Mistress Bones instructing me to meet her at her shop. I love it when she tells me what to do. She told me to come to the rear entrance.
When I arrived at her Newspaper and Tat Emporium she pulled me inside and shut the door quickly behind us. I want to say we hung a ‘Do Not Dusturb’ sign on the door, but I don’t think there was time.“
In the book Squire Teflon also details sone aspects of his love life that readers really won’t want to know about. “I lost my virginity many times, mostly to older woman who had called me out to service their photocopiers. It’s fair to say that I serviced a whole lot more than their copying equipment.
We’d do it anywhere – kitchens, living rooms, bedrooms – anywhere you’d find a photocopier you’d find me, doing the deed. Sometimes the women didn’t even have a photocopier.“
In a particularly gruelling chapter, which we recommend readers skip, the Squire remembers one awful occasion with Mistress Bones.
“We were having an illicit meeting in her car in the car park of S&M. It was a very cold and frosty evening. Her car is quite small and there wasn’t really room on the back seat for both of us, so I ended up half in and half out if the car.
Jack Frost nipped my appendage as I pulled out, which left me in great pain, but Mistress Bones applied some of her lip gloss to it. I was a bit concerned at first, but actually the extra lubrication helped a lot.
After this, for our future car park encounters, Mistress Bones presented me with a bespoke cushion that she’d had made by an expert seamstress to prevent my appendage from further frostbite. Square, supportive and sewn from pieces of the softest fleece and…enough said.
Copies of ‘Chair‘ are selling very slowly, but are available from G.W.Hurlings or Mistress Bones’ Newspaper and Tat Emporium.