An advance copy of Squire Teflon’s new book, which details life on the election campaign trail, has fallen into the hands of SomersetClive.
The book centres on events surrounding the Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council and the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council elections in May and in it Squire Teflon reveals the inside details of his feud with his rival, Smalltown’s Most Popular Person Jock McCads.
SomersetClive’s editor, Clive Saint, has ploughed through the pages and he said “It’s a laugh a minute. Never has one man blamed so many other people for his own actions which led to his downfall, but he reserves especial vitriol for Cllr. Jock McCads, who readers may remember, secured more votes than the Squire in both elections. It’s shocking.”
Amongst the revelations the Squire tells how the two men have special names for each other, with the Squire calling Jock ‘Jackie‘ and Jock reciprocating by referring to the Squire as ‘Squirt‘.
One shocking tale in the book details an episode which took place in the Smalltown Posh area back last April when both candidates were out delivering their election propoganda.
“I’d noticed that several of the households I was delivering to had BeFuddled Party literature in their letterboxes, so obviously I was pulling that back out and replacing it with my own Illiberal Party literature.” writes the Squire.
“As I rounded a corner into Gulf Stinks Avenue I spotted Jock McCads steaming towards me. He was furious. “Oi! You wee Squirt. Why have you got all those BeFuddled leaflets behind your back?” he demanded in an aggressive manner.
I didn’t reply because I couldn’t think of a decent explanation quickly enough, which is most unusual for me because usually I blame my mistakes on forgetfulness or that I’ve been misunderstood.
So instead I said “Good morning, Jackie. Lovely day for it, isn’t it?” in a cheerful yet non-confrontational way.
He was advancing rapidly towards me and called me a particularly nasty name – “Ya auld bawbag.” and before I knew what was happening he shoved me.
In the process he ripped three pens from my shirt breast pocket and I fell over, landing in a rose bush, which left me with scratches all over my back (at least, that’s where I told Mistress a Bones the scratches came from).
He also took all the BeFuddled Party leaflets off me, which was a shame, because I was planning on going back to deliver those to the houses I’d taken them from at some point or never.
SomersetClive will be revealing more of the Squire’s revelations from the book this week, to save you the trouble of buying it but if you are so inclined then the book, which is titled ‘Chair‘ is scheduled for release tomorrow and is available from G.W.Hurlings in Smalltown. Signed copies will also be available at Mistress Bones’ Newspaper and Tat Emporium.