Regular beach walkers were horrified today to discover that Sadgebore District Council have installed measures to prevent residents accessing the beach.
Barricades were erected overnight and this morning residents were shocked to discover that all the entrances to the golden mud had been padlocked.
Cllr Canute, Sadgebore Council’s Portfolio Holder for Wealth and Pleasure said “My responsibility is to ensure that there is enough money in the pot for Sadgebore Councillors to have a jolly good Christmas bash. We can’t do this if we are constantly having to spend parts of our overall budget on moving sand and maintaining disabled access. Therefore we have taken the decision to close the beach until we are able to install ticket booths.
Once the booths are in place there will be a charge of £94.00 per person (No concessions) to enjoy the facilities.”
When asked what facilities ticket holders would receive in return for their cash Cllr. Canute replied “Obviously there’s the mud, which has many health benefits and will make your skin glow, although this is due in part to the sea discharge from Chernobyl on the other side of the bay. Visitors will also be able to take advantage of the extensive toilet facilities in the area, if caught short all they have to go is walk a little further down towards the sand dunes where they will find plenty of opportunities to relieve themselves.
In addition, SDC are fed up with people continually complaining about the disabled access being unfit for purpose and the constant harping about how we removed the Toddler Paddling Pool. Since we took that away we haven’t had a single complaint about the amount of glass that was in the pool. I’d say that was a success, wouldn’t you?”
Resident Ann Elderly said “i’ve lived here for 85 years and I’m well aware of when the beach has been closed and when it hasn’t, so let me tell you – I’ve never known the beach to be shut. Not even when that pod of whales beached on it in 1957. The smell was horrendous, but we were still allowed on the beach to collect blubber.”