SomersetClive takes a look back at 2022 (because it’s easier than doing real journalism). Part One.
January
Mystic Mick’s prediction that Illiberal Party member Saul Synn would be given the vacant seat on Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council, caused by Ellen Proves’ shock resignation, came true.
Smalltown Missing Person, Tim Teepee, gave his full support to Prime Minister, Horace Monsoon, noting that Horace had his ‘full confidence’.
The Squire and his close-friend and employer Mistress Bones received approval from the local Illiberal Party to stand as candidates in the May 2022 elections for the All-New-Yet-Unimproved-Somerset Cuonty Council.
The end of the month saw the Smalltown Media and Uproar Genius (SMUG) depart her role, after revealing that she had found the job of trying to make Squire Teflon look good “impossible“.
February
Dullbridge Councillors Jim Woodenman and Alan Incendiary hit the election campaign and headlines after rescuing a trapped rat from a personhole in Dullbridge. The deed saw the pair rewarded for their efforts in May with seats on the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council. Neither have been seen again in Dullbridge since the rat rescue, although the rat has since been spotted several times.
Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council admitted that they had “forgotten all about HRH Queen Victoria II’s forthcoming Platinum Jubilee celebrations” and hadn’t put any money into the pot to help residents commemorate the auspicious occasion.
Squire Teflon announced his intention to enter his loyal dogs in the Crufts Championship. Speaking exclusively to SomersetClive Teflon said “My poodles may not have full pedigrees, but I’ve trained them well and am confident of their abilities to do exactly what I tell them.”. Unfortunately the Squire failed in his mission to bring a trophy back to Smalltown.
March
Squire Teflon attempted to derail an interesting discussion on Media Tycoon Mark Maxman’s Smalltown-and-Dullbridge-SaD.com website.
Ellen Proves had posted content regarding her experience of bullying during her time on Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council, which led to Squire Teflon, using one of his many, many fake profiles on the site, to immediately post totally unrelated comments in the hope of distracting users from his bad behaviour.
A few days later Squire Teflon announced that Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council would be adopting a new zero-tolerance policy to prevent the bullying, harassment and intimidation of councillors and staff. However, this policy did not extend to protecting residents from abuse directed at them by Squire Teflon.
The Smalltown Head Administration Guru (SHAG), Tanya Summer, sensationally quit her role, claiming that Squire Teflon’s refusal to admit to a conflict of interest with regard to his close-friend Mistress Bones’ Smalltown Shops (SS) group obtaining funding for the ‘Ignite Smalltown’ Christmas event could lead to claims that she was ‘unprofessional’.
At the end of the month Squire Teflon contacted Media Tycoon Mike Maxman to again insist that he remove content from his website that showed the Squire in his true colours. This time the ban on mentioning the Squire was widened to include his close-friend Mistress Bones, her world-record beating Olympic-Sized Ice Rink, The Mistress’ Chateau Park Jamboree and the 94 defibrillators purchased from the sums raised by the duo’s fundraising efforts.