CliveNation in conjunction with SomersetClive is proud to present the Christmas Pantomime, with an all-star cast and seats more comfortable than those at the White Elephant Enclosure, we invite you to join us for an amateur production of the world premiere of The Princess and the Forty Thieves. Showing thrice daily.
Our story opens deep in the heart of Somerset, where the Squire of Teflon rules the sleepy little villages of Smallvillia and Dullford with a rod. Of iron.
The Squire is used to getting his own way and woe-betide anyone who foils his plans for the Squire is not to be crossed.
The Squire purchased a Princess from Baron McGoat for a single gold coin many years ago and since then the villagers of Smallvillia and Dullford have paid through the nose for this folly.
Princess Wranglers have been and gone, trying to tame the Princess and bring her spending under control, but to no avail. What can be done?
Act Two. Scene Seven.
Stage revolves to reveal village green. Robyn Hoodie (Ellen Proves) is stood to the right, the Squire of Teflon and the Princess Wrangler to the left, villagers surround them.
Robyn slaps her thigh – Greetings, how is everyone?
Villager – We are starving to death and the rumour is that the Squire will be sending out his tax collectors again to take more money from us for his Princess.
Robyn – This is getting ridiculous now. Does anyone know how much has been spent on the Princess since the Squire acquired her?
Villagers chorus – No. The Squire has always said it’s a need to know basis, and we don’t need to know.
Friar Turk (puts on a top hat, whips out a cane and tap dances across the stage) – I’m afraid I must confess,
The best I can do is hazard a guess.
The figures are kept well hidden,
To know the answer is forbidden.
But I think the total amount,
From the numbers I’ve been able to count,
And I know how bad this sounds,
But it’s fast approaching one million pounds.
Robyn (slaps thigh and also tap dances) – One million pounds, by gads that’s shocking,
No wonder the tax collectors keep knocking,
On residents doors,
To ask for more.
We can’t keep on subsidising,
These costs which keep on rising.
It’s time the residents were allowed a say,
In whether their money should be spent this way.
Villagers – Hear, hear.
Tweedledum (ex Councillor Fencesitter, attempts to tap dance) – Robyn, I really must insist
You must not persist with this.
I simply can not stress it more strongly
But your thoughts they are wrongly.
Why, the villagers pay for lots of things,
Football pitches, parks and swings.
The Princess brings a massive smile
To those who can afford to see her once in a while.
Yes, she costs a lot to keep,
But losing her would make me weep.
Robyn – You really are a foolish person,
Your arguments don’t stand up to reason.
Yes, we pay for parks and swings,
Trees and grass and dog poo bins.
But anyone can use those for free
They don’t need a massive spending spree!
I really think that we should ask
Those expected to pay for the task.
To keep the Princess is a conundrum
We MUST reduce her per capita income.
Squire – Oh Princess Wrangler, do you hear?
That Robyn is causing trouble that much is clear.
Oh Princess Wrangler, this just won’t do.
Can you get word to all those loyal and true?
I know they number only a few,
But multiply them by twenty-two.
Get them all to write a letter
Stating how the Princess makes their lives better.
Princess Wrangler (Karmary) – I’ll get on it right away, my Squire
And get the letters you require.
Meanwhile what can we do about Tweedledee’s request
To simplify the figures we’ve suppressed?
He wants to see in black and white
The real cost of the Princess, that can’t be right.
And then he wants ideas to increase use
I really can’t think of another excuse.
Squire – I think we need to tell him No
The Princess really can’t grow
The number of people that she sees,
The villagers can’t afford her fees.
You and I will have a meeting
We will blame Covid, the lights, the seating.
All those things will need improvement
And need more money to be spent.
The villagers boo and hiss as they leave the stage. The lights dim.