Squire Teflon has reacted angrily to the criticism from Smalltown residents over the decision taken by Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Councillors to reject the proposal from RapidProfit Events to hold an Intergalactic Food, Drink, Craft and Tat Marketfair on Smalltown Sea Front.
The SaD Town councillors – still controlled by Teflon despite his being in the minority – unanimously agreed to reject the bid after being persuaded by Teflon, addressing them as both a fellow Councillor and member of the Smalltown Shops (SS) group.
As SomersetClive reported yesterday this was not a popular decision amongst residents, who described the councillors as ‘short-sighted dinosaurs who should be acting on behalf of residents instead of businesses and letting us have something fun for a change.’
Almost immediately Squire Teflon and his close-friend and employer Mistress Bones put their heads together to produce the first ever issue of the ‘Smalltown Shops News’ which, surprise- surprise, defended the council’s decision.
Wearing his Councillor hat Teflon said “It is unfair to our town traders to expect them to compete with this form of trading. They pay massive amounts of rates to Sadgebore District Council and many are going through a difficult time because they don’t sell anything that Smalltown residents actually want to buy.
Just because residents pay council tax to SaD Town Council it doesn’t mean their views are valid and should be taken into account.
This is not just a food market, the traders sell lots of other things that aren’t sold in Smalltown but which people might want to buy and competition of this type should not be allowed.”
Removing his Councillor hat and replacing it with bicycle clips and a shop apron, Squire Teflon then read from a script prepared by his very close-friend, employer and owner of the Newspaper and Tat Emporium Mistress Bones “The SS group are delighted that our town Council has decided to support the retailers in Smalltown. Having foreigners come into our town to sell fancy goods would not increase the number of visitors to Smalltown but would detract from us.
Our research shows that marketfairs don’t attract extra footfall to a town, despite marketfair days being exceptionally busy in other towns up and down the country.”
Squire Teflon then removed his cycle clips and shop apron and, donning Lederhosen and a beret, added “This decision was taken purely on behalf of the SS group and without taking into account the views of the residents who seem to be under the delusion that their opinions count for something here.
I’m all for a bit of foreign variety, but not if it could lead to the loss of my job delivering newspapers and stocking the shelves at my close-friend Mistress Bones Newspaper and Tat Emporium.
That’s why it’s important that SaD Town Councillors my… I mean our… I mean my close-friend Mistress Bones’ SS group. We would welcome the marketfair if it were held out of season – anytime during January when it’s freezing cold, blowing a hoolie on Smalltown Seafront and when no one has any money after Christmas would be fine.“
The next issue of Smalltown Shops News will be published when Squire Teflon needs to justify the expenditure on the White Elephant Enclosure and will highlight the wonderful craft fairs held at the WEE which detract from the shops selling similar products in Smalltown.