I apologise for my late contribution this month, I had prepared your October Horrorscopes well in advance of the deadline, but I was unable to send it into the SomersetClive office because I’d run out of stamps. No one could have foreseen that unfortunate event.
Aryan – It’s not going well for your heroine Liz Thrust is it? You had such high hopes for her as a second-Maggie. Yet she’s going to perform a U-turn soon, something Maggie would never have done. I can see her leaving before the end of the month.
Tourist – As the nights draw in and the cost of living crisis hits getting away from it all will become out of reach for most. Not you though! With your caravan parked on the drive you can move into it for the winter and save on fuel costs.
Twinpeaks – It is going to be a very traumatic month for you. I won’t say anything further, because I don’t want to upset you. Be prepared.
Crabs – I know that you’re starting to feel mildly regretful that you have spent the first nine months of the year in bed, but trust me, it has been the best place for you. October will be colder than September. Put an extra blanket on the bed.
Lions – It’s going to get darker in the evenings shortly. Everyone will be wondering why and asking “Is it winter now?” I’d order some Ready Brek if I were you.
Vestal Virgins – My advice to you would be to start wearing four pairs of knickers. Apart from helping to keep you safe from the Squire’s attentions they will also keep your nether regions warm.
Librarians – I don’t really understand this, but I can see a couple of older ladies wearing huge necklaces in your future. One of them keeps asking if “Is there any chance of a lovely cup of tea?” Who are they, what do they want and why do they persist in hanging around in your Library?
Scorekeeper – Every pub in Smalltown and Dullbridge will be showing some sort of sport on their televisions. You’ll be spoilt for choice, but don’t bother going to Witherspoons. They aren’t showing anything except the news.
Sagaman – Your favourite time of year! With Halloween at the end of this month don’t get upset when people compliment your fancy dress outfit. They aren’t to know you aren’t wearing one.
Capripants – You will find yourself suffering from knee pain this month. Could it be early onset arthritis brought on by constantly wearing shorts?
Aquaman – With the barbecue season now over and your beard growing back quickly it is time to think of alternative employment for the winter months. Why not consider bleaching your beard and going into business as a Father Christmas-o-gram?
Pistachio – Quick! Get to the supermarket and stock up on Walnuts. There will be severe shortages this year.