Hellhole Holiday Park has released a handy ‘cut out and keep’ guide to navigating the planning laws in the UK. With so many different rules and regulations covering building and licensing it can be difficult to get permission to do exactly what you want, so Hellhole has some tips to help.
- Dont. This is by far the simplest way to get what you want. Simply build what you want, where you want and hope no one notices. Be it a series of attractions in an entertainment area, a bar serving alcohol 24/7 or even a stage to rival Dalstonbury – just build it.
- If anyone does notice and queries it claim that you are exempt from having to apply because you already have the relevant licences and planning law doesn’t matter.
- If nearby residents get antsy, ignore them.
- When the residents complain to the local authority about your building works, attempt to ‘do a deal’ with the local authority by agreeing to their own plans to site an attraction on land which is protected by a covenant which covers you.
- If this doesn’t work apply for Retrospective Planning Permission. Tell the local authority “Well, we’ve built it now, so you may as well approve it.”
- Make sure to stress that your application is for the good of the business, the entire town and surrounding area, holidaymakers, those who own a property on your site, residents and anyone else you can think of.
- Add a few extra things into your retrospective application that you haven’t built yet and don’t actually intend to build. This could include such outlandish ideas as ‘The World’s Tallest Bungee Jump’ or a ‘Space Rocket Launch Pad’.
When these are queried you can offer to remove them from the application if the local authority will approve the rest of it. - If your application is subsequently approved without the need for negotiation you can either build the extra things with impunity or sell the site at a future date to Eton Tusk for his Space Exploration Program.
- Should this appeal fall on deaf ears and permission is not granted – don’t worry. Council enforcement action to remove your illegal building work takes an absolute age, with long winded and expensive court battles taking time and money. You’ll be able to make use of whatever you’ve built during this time.
- With any luck your local authority will cease to exist this time next year, and by then the Planning Department will have either forgotten all about it or won’t have a clue what has been gone on and you can continue to enjoy reaping the profits from being an antisocial neighbour.
There. Easy isn’t it?