Smalltown and Dullbridge Headmistress and Town Mayor, Kelsey Dullard, has urged residents to ‘think very carefully’ about Sadgebore District Council’s Re-Imagine Dullbridge (RID) scheme.
Councillor Headmistress Dullard said “It is important that as many of you as possible get involved with this project, which you will be expected to complete in your own time. All the information resources you need are available online, and the examination paper, which includes sections on ‘Critical Thinking’ and ‘Verbal Reasoning’ can be found on the Sadgebore District Council website. Please remember to show your workings when completing the paper.”
Leader of the Smalltown and Dullbridge BeFuddled Party, Banish Barracuda, added “All your local BeFuddled councillors recently went on a nice field trip to Dullbridge, where we took the opportunity to walk around to familiarise ourselves with the area. Otherwise we wouldn’t have had a clue as the only time any of us ever visit Dullbridge is if we are on our way somewhere else.
We ate our packed lunches in the surroundings of the last remaining patch of greenery in the town, at the Dullbridge Train Station, and noted that Sadgebore plan to tarmac the area and turn it into a car park, under the guise of ‘tidying up the Train Station’.
We then all purchased souvenirs in the form of ‘A Present from Dullbridge’ pencils which will come in useful for marking reports as well as reminding us where Dullbridge is.”
The RID scheme proposed by Sadgebore includes a variety of pie-in-the-sky ideas dreamt up by planners and consultants after a particularly heavy night and the ideas proposed include
- Paving the streets with gold in an extension of the scheme previously introduced in Smalltown
- Redesigning the main car park for housing
- Banning all cars from the area and making all roads only accessible by bicycle.
- Improving flood defences by filling in the river and building more houses on the reclaimed land.
- Spending loads of money to produce pretty pictures showing lots of green spaces and trees in areas where we’ve digitally enlarged the space available to make everything look airy and attractive. In reality, we plan to achieve this by flattening the shops in Parkit Street.
We have also photoshopped out the cider-consuming and suspicious-substance-smoking crowds who spend their leisure time in Jumbly Gardens hurling abuse at passers-by and replacing them with images of smiling children.
A Public Consultation meeting will be held tomorrow at the Poorland Community Hall, where the plans will be available to view. Any feedback generated from the meeting will be completely ignored by Sadgebore.