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Members of the Smalltown and Dullbridge community who can use a saw have been urged to urgently muster their tools and get to work. The call to arms comes after fears spread amongst residents that the area is about to be struck by flooding.
A spokesperson for Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Council said “As part of her Climate Rescue Action Plan (CRAP) Dictator Dullard is asking members of the community to immediately start work on building arks.
Following the success of our Community Coronation Bunting Appeal, where the Smalltown Administration Guru (SAG), Katie Global, spent three days working on a pattern for residents to download from our website, we will be making full Ark Building Plans available for download. Hopefully more than one person will download the instructions this time.”
To help any readers of SomersetClive who are unable to access the SaDTC website, we have managed to secure exclusive access so that any interested parties can make a start on their Arks now.
Lo! And so it was decreed that all Ark Builders shalt get to worketh immediately. For verily did the flood waters cometh.
- Maketh thee an ark of gopher wood; which thou shalt obtain from all goodeth sellers of carpentry suppliers, for exampleth P&Q or Dickes.
- Thou wilt also needeth nails and a hammer.
- Findeth thee a large, safe working area and ensure thou weareth the appropriate Personal Protective Equipment at all timeth.
- Thou shalt follow the schematic drawings attachedeth at Appendix 94. (Not to scaleth)
- Several rooms shalt thou make in thine ark. These rooms shalt comply to Full Building Regulationeths.
- And thou shalt pitch it within and without with pitch. If pitch is unavailableth thou mayeth use a similar water-resident material, such as fibreglath.
- And this is the fashion which thou shalt make it of: The length of the ark shall be ninety-four hundred cubits, the breadth of it forty-nine cubits, and the height of it nine cubits.
- A window shalt thou make to the ark, and in a cubit shalt thou finish it above. Thou shalt useth double-glazing, which should be fitteth by a professional to ensure watertightneth.
- And the door of the ark shalt thou set in the side thereof. It shalt not be at the front, for thine ark doth not haveth a front, but as every goodeth ark maker knoweth it haveth a ‘bow’.
- With lower, second, and third stories shalt thou make it. Thou is reminded that thou should consulteth the Health and Safety Work at Height Regulations 1994, whenst though is trying to reacheth the third storey.