Following the revelation that a consortium of land owners and developers are planning to build New Smalltown on the edge of Smalltown, which SomersetClive didn’t report last week, because we were on strike, Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Councillors held the first of what Dictator Dullard hopes will be regular meetings with representatives of the group to discuss the plans.
The meeting was deemed to be of such importance that as well as Dictator Dullard, Deputy Dictator Cruella Sherry, Fun Police Officer Cllr Patsy Knickers, Chair of the Finance and Misappropriation Committee, Cllr Banish errm Barracuda, together with Illiberal Cllr Al de Values, and, all the way from his home in Fridgpond, professional Councillor Mark Facelift, were all in attendance. Illiberal Cllr Catty Staring was also in the room, but no one ever really knows if she’s all there or not
After addressing the meeting for 37 minutes detailing how important the meeting was in terms of discussing the planning application, and that it “would be good to get some idea of the plans” Dictator Dullard reminded everyone present that they could not discuss any plans prior to the submission of the application and most definitely should not form an opinion on any plans that may be discussed during the meeting. A question and answers session was then held.
Q. How are you going to deal with the flood risk?
A. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Q. What will be the allocation of affordable housing?
A. Whatever we need to say it is in order to obtain planning permission.
Q. Will the land be raised and what effect will this have on neighbouring houses?
A. We haven’t got that far with the plans and even if we had we wouldn’t be telling you.
Q. How will traffic be managed?
A. We understand that SaD Town Council has a Climate Rescue Action Plan (CRAP) and that Dictator Dullard would like to see cars banned. Therefore we aren’t planning to put in any roads.
Q. Will there be errrm any errrm financial errm benefits?
A. As we always say in these situations ‘You scratch our back and we’ll scratch yours’. You want golden pavements? Yet more new seating in the White Elephant Enclosure? A new ‘Welcome to New Smalltown’ sign? We can give you money for those. In exchange for the planning consent to build 1994 new houses, of course.
Q. Will there be any playgrounds with play equipment? Are there any plans for a theme park? We don’t want anything like that here.
A. Currently we have no plans for either and even if we did we wouldn’t be telling you.
Q. Dictator Dullard and several other Councillors would like to see some bungalows built, as they are getting on a bit and may not be able to use stairs for much longer. Will there be bungalows available?
A. I’m sure we can come up with something acceptable for you.
Q. What colour will the houses be? Have you considered painting them all pink?
A. We are considering painting them all green, so they blend in with all the open swathes of countryside we will be clearing to build them.
Q. Will a new school be built? Education is very important and we need lots and lots of shiny new schools offering employment to lots and lots of teachers.
A. No.
Q. What about the cats? Has anyone considered the cats?
A. Would you like another cup of tea, Cllr Staring? Could the Smalltown Administration Guru (SAG) possibly get this lady another cup of tea?