There were scenes of utter carnage in Somerset yesterday as politicians from every party and every political level fell over themselves to declare that the new green battery manufacturing party due to be built in Poriton was their idea.
At a local level Dictator Dullard from Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council was hot off the blocks, declaring that she was ‘Delighted by the news. It’s good to think of all the schoolchildren, currently in education who will be able to get a job and, of course, the construction of this new battery factory was a key part of my Climate Rescue Action Plan (CRAP) “
Meanwhile, lowly Illiberal Town Councillor Squire Teflon issued an epic statement, which was so long that even our new employee Art E. Fisher got bored and claimed he was “Far too intelligent to read this drivel”. However, Squire Teflon insisted that the new factory was all his idea and had featured heavily in a dream he had when he was Chair of Sadgebore District Council, shortly before it was merged into the All-New-Yet-Unimproved Somerset Cuonty Council and Teflon lost all his chairs.
At ANYUSCC, Council leader Phil Crivens popped up to remind everyone that the BeFuddled Party had worked jolly hard behind the scenes to secure a brighter, greener future for residents, despite the need for acres of new roads, housing and concrete across Somerset to accommodate the new factory and workers.
BeFuddled Party Prospective Parliamentary Missing Person, Clara Scullery donned her wellies to tell anyone who would listen that the new factory was most definitely her idea and she was looking forward to cutting the ribbon to open the facility once she had been elected as the Missing Person for the new Smalltown and Dullbridge, Fridgpond Unitary Constituency (SaDFUC).
The SaDFUC Illiberal Party Prospective Missing Person took advantage of the situation when Ms Scullery got a wellie boot stuck in the mud and had to suspend her interviews to try to extricate herself. Seizing the attention of the assembled reporters Lord Rashley Pox reminded everyone that it was thanks to the Illiberal Party in Westminster who had paved the way for the factory by greasing the right palms and handing over the billions of pounds needed to entice the battery company to move to Somerset in the first place.
Meanwhile, Cllr Ivor Redrose, Leader of the Working Man’s Party at ANYUSSC spent a lot of time talking about prospective jobs for working men in Somerset.
What everyone seems to have missed in the rush to congratulate themselves is exactly where the huge workforce will come from to build the new factory. Currently vast numbers of construction workers are employed building Chernobyl-by-Sea C station, with workers already being either bussed across the county or housed in purpose-built accommodation blocks. With work on Chernobyl not expected to be completed for at least another eight years the chances of yet another megalithic factory being built and up and running in five years seems unlikely.