The All-New-Yet-Unimproved Scrooge Cuonty Council took another step closer to bankruptcy yesterday after confirmation that it is to receive only 6.1% of extra funding from the government.
The BeFuddleds had been pinning their hopes on receiving a minimum 6.5% from the £4 billion pot announced by the Minister of Levelling, Michael Weasel, so the news that ANYUSCC would receive £3.94 million less went down like lead balloon in the corridors of Cuonty Hall in Toytown.
BeFuddled Deputy Leader of ANYUSCC, Fizz Leyline said “It’s so unfair. I’m really disappointed. We had included that £3.94 million in our budget and now we aren’t going to receive I don’t know what we are going to do. I’m completely stumped with no ideas at all. This is going to require even more talking and thinking and we may even need to make an actual decision.
If only we had known this was coming we could have planned for it, in the same way that we had planned to avoid bankruptcy. Instead it’s all come as a huge shock.”
Leader of ANYUSSC, Cllr Phil Crivens said “I am really disappointed. The government knew that ANYUSCC is struggling to balance the books for 2024/25 and as combining the previous district councils into ANYUSSC in order to make savings was their idea in the first place I do think they should have given us more money.
Whilst the government had identified a host of savings which could be made by getting rid of duplicate staff, in reality we haven’t got rid of any staff because having five people do the job of one person means we are more efficient.
Now we are definitely going to have to cut services, raise Council Tax to the maximum allowed and insist that local Parish Councils pay for as many services which we, as a County Council, have a statutory duty to provide.
It’s a huge shame, but if we are to continue spending money on advising residents how to recycle, how not to waste food, how to use a bus, how to not consume too much alcohol and how to reuse Christmas Trees, then residents are going to have to pay for it.”
The Illiberal Leader of ANYUSCC. Rabid Feathergill said “Residents only have themselves to blame for the forthcoming increases in Council Tax. They voted for the BeFuddleds, who always seem to manage to waste money on nothing. If they had voted Illiberal then it would have been us trying to balance the books and, although we don’t have any ideas on how to do that, if we did we wouldn’t be sharing them with the BeFuddleds.”
The full figure for the services which ANYUSSC hope to pass on to Smalltown and Dullbridge (SaD) Town Council is yet to be revealed, but it is anticipated that SaDTC will be more than willing to help out their BeFuddled ANYUSCC colleagues and residents can expect an increase in Council Tax equivalent to the value of five and a half White Elephant Enclosures, a World Record Breaking Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink, a golden arch, Christmas Lights which don’t turn on and the Most Expensive Christmas Trees in the World.