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It was confirmed yesterday that the last bank in Smalltown is set to close next November, leaving Smalltown residents with only the Smalltown Post Office to fulfill their banking needs.
A spokesmoneybag for Ffloyds Bank, which has occupied a prime Smalltown Town centre site since 1394 said “We have conducted a survey of user numbers across our branches and, having included figures from the Corvid pandemic years when we were closed, have been able to skew the figures to show that we have seen a downturn in the number of customers.
We have therefore decided to concentrate our efforts on branches in major towns and cities and, sadly, Smalltown is only a very small town, so we cannot justify keeping it open.“
Smalltown and Dullbridge Missing Person, Tim Teepee said “I’m deeply disappointed to hear this news. Almost as deeply disappointed as I was when I discovered Smalltown and Dullbridge are no longer part of my constituency. Although not as disappointed as I was when Dullbridge failed to attract government funding for the Re-Imagine Dullbridge RIDBID.”
Smalltown and Dullbridge Town Councillor and Head of Mathematics at Hayloft Road Palace, Banish Barracuda, echoed Tim’s thoughts saying” I’m errrm very errrrm disappointed to errrm hear this errm news. It’s errrm very disappointing that errm Ffloyds do errrrm not consider errrrm Smalltown to be a errrrm major errrrm town. Very errrrm disappointing errrrm indeed.”
Dictator Dullard is yet to share her disappointment at the news, but she will undoubtedly be disappointed to hear the news.