In the first volume of Steven C. Gull’s long-running saga we heard how Squire Teflon helped Mistress Bones with funding for her dream to bring a World Record Beating Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink to Smalltown, in return for a favour or two or 16,000. They had agreed to keep their relationship a secret from significant others, friends and the residents and electorate of Smalltown.
Following a hugely unsuccessful opening event, which attracted huge amounts of Town Council funding and small crowds, the World Record Beating Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink opened and, a few short weeks later, closed again.
We rejoin the dynamic duo to find them having adjusted the figures to made a silk purse out of an elephant’s ear and have managed to convince everyone that the Rink was a huge success. They are now working on a scheme for the return of Mistress Bones Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink.
Unfortunately some residents of Smalltown and Dullbridge are not happy to see their money spent on yet another vanity project and have been rather vocal in their objections, some have even written letters to the local newspapers raising their concerns.
Chapter Eleven
Entering the Newspaper and Tat Emporium, Squire Teflon looked quizzically at Mistress Bones.
“What is it? What is so urgent?”
“Listen” Mistress Bones began reading from the newspaper in front of her.
“Organisers of the Smalltown Hospital Fate Worse Than Death have confirmed that they have had to cancel the event this year.
A spokesperson said ‘The Fate has become increasingly difficult to organise with health and safety legislation, risk assessments, insurance issues, increasing running costs, and the difficulty in recruiting sufficient younger volunteers.
It is with much regret that this year’s Hospital Fate will not take place. The Fate has become a Smalltown tradition which started 50 years ago.
Last year the Fate raised over £3000 for the hospital.”
“I see. Yes, all very sad, but what does that have to do with us?”
“Don’t you see? Our Smalltown and Dullbridge Duplicated Events Social Team (SaDDEST) could take over running it.”
“Why would we want to do that? What is in it for me?.. I mean… Us?”
“Isn’t it obvious? It’s a well-established, well-run event. It’s ready-formed. People expect it to take place and are always generous with their donations, because it’s for a good cause.”
“Yes, but what do we get out of it? It sounds like a lot of work for nothing.”
“We can take it over. As well as raising lots of money, which we can use for my World Record Breaking Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink rather than giving it to the hospital as everyone will expect, we can claim that we’ve saved it!”
“Ah. In the same way that I saved the White Elephant Enclosure for the nation? Get all the credit for doing a wonderful thing?”
“I’m not sure saving the WEE was a good thing, but yes, just like that. Lots of press coverage about how the Hospital Fate Worse Than Death has been saved by the Smalltown and Dullbridge Duplicated Events Social Team and how SADDEST has saved the most important date in the Smalltown Calendar.
We can make sure that both of our names are included and then everyone will think we are kind and caring.”
“Hah! They are never going to think that, but I like your thinking. Let’s do it. If nothing else it gives us another legitimate reason to be seen together, plus I expect it will take an awful lot of ‘meetings’ between the two of us to fine tune the details. I do enjoy fine tuning with you.”