In the first volume of Steven C. Gull’s long-running saga we heard how Squire Teflon helped Mistress Bones with funding for her dream to bring a World Record Beating Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink to Smalltown, in return for a favour or two or 16,000. They had agreed to keep their relationship a secret from significant others, friends and the residents and electorate of Smalltown.
Following a hugely unsuccessful opening event, which attracted huge amounts of Town Council funding and small crowds, the World Record Beating Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink opened and, a few short weeks later, closed again.
We rejoin the dynamic duo to find them having adjusted the figures to made a silk purse out of an elephant’s ear and have managed to convince everyone that the Rink was a huge success. They are now working on a scheme for the return of Mistress Bones Olympic Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink.
Chapter Five
As he entered the shop Squire Teflon could hear wailing. ‘Ooh.‘, he thought, ‘My Mistress must be stuck somewhere. She’ s probably got herself wedged in between a pile of plastic buckets and a pile of plastic spades. She must need rescuing! Why didn’t she say so, I could have donned the Superman outfit again. I love the feel of her tights against my skin.’
He called out “Where are you? Do you need help?”
“I’m in here.” Mistress Bones wailed.
Opening the stock cupboard door Squire Teflon peered into the darkness. “What is it my love crumpet? Let me turn the light on.“
“No!” she screamed.
“Oh. You want to do it with the lights off? Fair enough. I’m up for that.”
“No. I don’t want to do it all. Why is that all you ever think about?”
The Squire’s enthusiasm waned. Significantly, in some places. “Well what’s the urgency then?”
“Have you seen what people are saying about my world record breaking Olympic-Sized Swimming Pool and Ice Rink? They are being mean. It’s horrible.”
“Oh my little love-obtuse-triangle. You should know better than to read the papers. There’s always someone ready to criticise. I never listen to my critics. I wouldn’t get out of bed in the mornings if I did that. No. You have to remember that you are right and they are wrong. Even when they are right.”
“But Squire – look – read it! We may have fooled Councillor Fencesitter, but everyone else has seen through us. They KNOW.”
Squire Teflon took the tear-stained paper from her hand “You won’t be able to sell this one, it’s all soggy.” he observed.
“I’m not going to sell any of that issue. I’m not letting anyone else see what they’ve printed about me. Read those letters.”
Swuire Teflon cleared his throat and began to read out loud.